Source: www.yeeeah.com

Singer Hillary Duff stars as a Russian pop star who likes dropping poisonous arthropods in her pants while John Cusack pats himself down with a hanky in a new movie entitled “War, Inc.” Now, as far as sexy venomous critters go, I suppose the scorpion is the logical choice, but I still would have liked the tongue-in-cheek calembour of a good Box Jellyfish or a Bushmaster snake. Or just plain “AIDS,” “Great White Shark armed with assault rifle,” or anything that guaranteed Hilary Duff never made another album or shitty movie I’d have to write about again.

Source: yeeeah.com

Singer Hillary Duff stars as a Russian pop star who likes dropping poisonous arthropods in her pants while John Cusack pats himself down with a hanky in a new movie entitled “War, Inc.” Now, as far as sexy venomous critters go, I suppose the scorpion is the logical choice, but I still would have liked the tongue-in-cheek calembour of a good Box Jellyfish or a Bushmaster snake. Or just plain “AIDS,” “Great White Shark armed with assault rifle,” or anything that guaranteed Hilary Duff never made another album or shitty movie I’d have to write about again.

Source: yeeeah.com

Good news, boys — Jessica Alba is single again! According to Us Weekly

After two-and-a-half years together, Jessica Alba and Cash Warren have split. The 26-year-old actress broke up with Warren, a 28-year-old producer, last week over the phone. Sources [say] that Alba, who was abroad over the weekend promoting Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, called Warren on July 22 and told him, “I’m not in love with you anymore.” Within hours, Alba had dispatched an assistant to the L.A. home they shared to pack up Warren’s belongings and move him out.

Coming home to all of his shit packed up is a pretty good way to make it clear your relationship is really over. So is sending him a picture of your smiling face hovering two inches over someone’s penis. Especially if you’re giving the “two thumbs up” sign on either side of your face. There’s just no arguing with that kind of enthusiasm. That’s how they rate movies, you know.

More of Jessica in next month’s issue of British GQ after the jump

Payday Loan cash advance, quick and easy

Source: yeeeah.com

Kimberly Stewart is a lumbering cock-eyed mess of fug, but lucky for you, you can’t see her face in this shot. Just her ass, which really isn’t that bad. Sort of like the difference between seeing a gangrenous leg on a Yankee soldier instead of seeing his syphilitic-ulcer-ridden taint. Gangrene’s not so bad, really, once you get past the smell and the maggots and everything. I know because I’ve been to India before. But ulcers, man — ulcers weep. Just like Rod Stewart did that day the doctor handed him Kim and kindly offered to put it out of its misery. Only Rod’s tears probably had less puss and festering and need to be drained. Dirty Yankees!

The big, metaphorically gangrenous reveal after the jump

Source: yeeeah.com

Horseface McUgly Kimberly Stewart attended the launch for the classily named Pink Taco Restaurant in LA yesterday, wearing some sort of hideous contraption made out of black doilies and electrical tape.

I don’t really have much else to say about this, except that even if you happen to be a gorgeous model — if you procreate with a fuggo like Rod Stewart? This is the best that could possibly happen. The X chromosomes will only take you so far, ladies! And what self respecting supermodel wants a human travesty like this walking around with your genepool stamped all over it? There you have it, a science lesson and a PSA all wrapped into one. You can thank me later, Petra.

More of the Genetic Fiasco after the jump.

Source: yeeeah.com

Jennifer Aniston is receiving an award for pandering to the lowest common denominator: her hot girl on girl action! The Post Chronicle reports:

Former Friends star Jennifer Aniston is slated to receive the Vanguard Award at this year’s Los Angeles Glaad Media Awards on 14 April. [She is receiving] the award for her girl-on-girl kiss with Winona Ryder in an episode of Friends and her recent lesbian smooch with pal Courteney Cox on TV show Dirt.

Congratu-fucking-lations, Jen, you over-achiever you! How you toil for your art, shattering stereotypes and empowering all of femalekind! I guess next they’ll start handing out awards for showing your tits or openly discussing your love for anal. And I just don’t have enough closets to house all the trophies I’d win — seven or eight just for last week’s kegger alone. You know, that thing I did with the butternut squash. Talk about breaking boundaries!

Source: yeeeah.com

Jennifer Lopez donned a hideous one-shouldered dress to compliment her hideous crone of a husband at the Echo Music Awards in Berlin yesterday. Madre de Dios, that is one ugly dress. I can’t really think of any words that accurately describe it. I one time threw up — after an entire bottle of Southern Comfort and four chile rellenos — into the sink where I’d been soaking some pans in Ajax, so half of the muy picante vomit splashed back into my face. Only it had mixed with the Ajax solution when it hit the sink, so it burned the living fuck out of my eyes, and liquid fire was still raging out of my esophagus and I just wanted to die, so I grabbed at a butcher knife on the counter and started stabbing myself in the chest and stomach. Well, that’s exactly how this dress makes me feel. Like I’ve got poisonous chemicals and whiskey puke in my eyes and I’m stabbing myself in the heart while throwing up. I should really invent a word for that emotion. I’m thinking something like “malvagenous” or “suivomine.” I’ll let you guys decide.

More of JLo and Morlune of the Shadowed Remains after the jump.

Source: yeeeah.com

Feathers and 1940’s hair were all the rage at this year’s Academy Awards. So were ugly dresses, but we’ll get to that in a minute. Martin Scorsese finally won a few Oscars with “The Departed,” and “American Idol” Jennifer Hudson took home “Best Supporting Actress” for her role in “Dreamgirls.” Word on the street is that one of her nipples flopped out of her dress when she took the stage to collect her award, but I simply can’t handle that kind of visual first thing on a Monday morning, so you’ll just have to Google “fat girl nipples Oscars” yourself and live with the shame of being such a disgusting pervert. For a complete list of the night’s winners, click here.

Okay, for the ugly: Kirsten Dunst was undoubtedly the ugliest person at the 2007 Academy Awards. And I don’t just mean the dress, which was pretty goddamn awful in itself — a see-through polka-dotted polo shirt over a sequined bodice capped with feathers. The teeth and the shoes really seal the deal. They’re all wrong. You’d assume by now she’d have learned to smile with her fucking mouth closed, and the only shoes that could have possibly worked with such a dichotomous ensemble would have been a pair of high-topped Chuck Taylors spray-painted silver. It’s common knowledge that shiny sneakers are the only way to fuse “American Eagle” with “haute couture” and not look stupid. Shiny sneakers also work for melding “rodeo clown” with “red carpet glamour,” which may have been the look Anne Hathaway was actually going for last night.

Check out the rest of the ugly after the jump.

Anne Hathaway looks like an evil gift-wrapped clown.

Is it physically impossible for Beyonce not to look like a cheap whore? If Frederick’s of Hollywood had an evening line, Beyonce would make the perfect spokesmodel.

Ah, beige. The most flattering of all evening dress colors. Eva Green looks like Helena Bonham Carter’s bastard sister.

Why the sleeves? Why? Naomi Watt’s dress would have looked great without them. She looks like she’s playing dress up in her mother’s clothes.

I love the color of Nicole Kidman’s dress. I love the clean lines. I do NOT love the enormous red bow at the neck. It’s like that horrendous John Galliano dress Charlize Theron wore to the Oscars last year.

Cameron Diaz debuts Piscasso’s little known “neo-cubist envelope” clothing line.

Source: yeeeah.com

How ironic is it that a woman scorned for marrying her sugar daddy ended up becoming a sugar daddy herself? Howard K. Stern admitted to the courts yesterday that he had been completely financially dependent on the late Anna Nicole Smith for the better part of a decade. People magazine reveals:

Stern, 38, told Florida Circuit Judge Larry Seidlin that he’d had no income outside of his association with Smith since 2002. Stern admitted that Smith paid the $950 rent on his apartment and that she gave him cash to buy personal items. “I was with Anna. My income was with her. Anna paid my rent. Everything that I did for her legally I didn’t charge her for.”

Stern, who is named executor of Smith’s estate in her 2001 will, said he would waive any fee he might be entitled to for his work in that role. He also admitted that… he was entitled to about 5 percent of any money she was awarded [in the continuing litigation over the estate of her late billionaire husband], meaning he could net $5 million.

There are only three types of people that seek out sugar daddies: people with vaginas; gay men; and gay men with vaginas. You decide into which category our Howard belongs. Why exclusively vaginas? For one, it’s always sugar DADDY. As in “daddy’s little girl.” Not “Daddy’s grown-ass man.” And two, you couldn’t possibly get any less manly than mooching off a woman for seven years. It’s the metaphorical equivalent of cutting off your balls and listening to Justin Timberlake albums in a Speedo. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if Howard sauntered off the stand tomorrow in a pair of ladies’ pumps and a mink stole. All courtesy of Anna Nicole’s pocketbook, of course.

Source: yeeeah.com

A revealing home video of an incoherent and garishly painted Anna Nicole Smith made its way onto the internet yesterday. It’s too humiliating to be funny, but worth watching just to hear her attorney Howard K. Stern — who’s doing the filming, of course — talk about how much money the clip will make him. TMZ reports:

The tape, which aired Monday night on Greta Van Susteren’s show on FOX News Channel, shows an eight-months pregnant Smith, her face painted like a clown and clearly stoned out of her mind. As she talks to a doll in a baby carriage as if it’s real, Stern repeatedly says, “Is this a mushroom trip?” He then adds, “I’m kidding.” Another part of the tape shows Smith even more out of it. Stern’s comment: “This footage is worth money.”

That’s why evil henchman always get caught. They’re constantly rubbing their hands together with delight or twirling their moustaches and shifting their eyes and laughing about how much money they’re going to make. And they always explain every detail of their evil plans, including how they’re going to kill the hero, once said hero is safely “confined” in the underground lair. And that always gives the hero enough time to loosen the ropes or drop his open Zippo on the floor and set the Nazis ablaze amidst triumphant music and a couple of well-timed somersaults. I guess it’s just hard to play the hero if your face is painted like a clown and you aren’t wearing a cool fedora. Otherwise, that would have totally been the perfect opportunity to set Howard K. Stern on fire.

Watch the video after the jump.

Source: yeeeah.com

Supreme bitch Beyonce Knowles is big among the Soul Train cognoscenti. The Post-Chronicle reports:

Beyonce received three nominations to lead nominees for the 21st anniversary Soul Train Awards. Beyonce was nominated for Best Female R&B/Soul Single, Best Female R&B/Soul Album and The Michael Jackson Award for Best R&B/Soul or Rap Video for “Irreplaceable.”

Wow. The “Soul Train” Awards. No Oscars or Golden Globes, but some Soul Train Awards. That’s kind of like the “here, I made you this” kind of present you might get from a little kid or a forgetful boyfriend. Pretty lame. Or maybe it’s more like the kind of present you get when the person in line before you loses a wayward floater in the flushing process. Yep, floating turds and Soul Train. That sounds just about right.

Source: yeeeah.com

There was plenty of ugly at this year’s Screen Actors Guild Awards. Nothing quite as ugly as Paris Hilton in a top hat crouching over a pisser, but still ugly. I put that picture of Paris up as a palate-cleanser of sorts, so you could refer back to it between photographs of the worst-dressed. It helps to distinguish between “disgustingly vomit-inducingly hideous” and “just an ugly dress.” You know, for perspective.

All the uglies after the jump.

Mariska Hartigay is really a beautiful woman. You can’t debate the genetic perfection of mother Jane Mansfield, so Mariska gets it honest. But I hate this dress. Too much lace and ribbons and texture and I hate that under-the-boob lasso dealie. Also, the ribboned split V down the middle of her torso widens at her hips, which adds a good fifteen pounds to her frame. Awful. Voted: Most Gullible.

When did they start letting fat people come to Hollywood award shows? I thought Camryn Manheim effectively sealed the deal on that a couple of years ago. Don’t get your control top panties in a bunch, fat girls — I’m just kidding. You and I both know that fat people can go anywhere they please. But Sara Ramirez’ dress is terrible. It looks like something she bought at Victoria’s Secret and customed tailored into an evening dress. It just looks cheap. Yuck. Nice Christie Brinkley-esque hair. Voted: Most Likely to End Up on Jenny Craig.

Eva Longoria just gets uglier and more desperate by the day. Her dress is a shapeless one-shouldered mess, and her makeup artist clearly moonlights as a mortician, because the only time I’ve ever seen foundation that thick has been on a corpse. Quite possibly the worst makeup at the SAG awards. All she’s missing with that eyeshadow and lipstick combo is some two-inch press-on nails and a fake Louis Vuitton bag. Voted: Biggest Slut.

What would you get if you mated Kate Bosworth with Rhianna? You’d get Heather Graham at the SAG awards. All forehead and bones. Jesus Christ, she’s gotten skinny. Any stylist who puts a pale-skinned blonde in a nude-colored dress is an idiot. And her makeup is a little garish. Voted: Most Forgettable.

Elizabeth Perkins just reinforces my belief that the old and dumpy should be extricated from Hollywood. She is old, right? I mean, God help her if she’s just plain ugly. Horrible prom-ish dress, wrong color for her hair and skin tone. Voted: Most Confused.

There’s a reason this woman’s middle name is “Gay,” people. It’s because Marcia Gay Harden is a clearly a man. A man with saggy boobs and horrible taste in clothes. And something about the bustline of that dress reminds me of a Venus fly trap. Nice pleats. The only way this dress could be any worse is if it was covered in swastikas and the skins of little children. God-awful. Voted: Most Butch.

When the space people from the future finally come for us, Ellen Pompeo should have no problem being assimilated into their culture. I didn’t know that Star Trek had their own formal wear line now. Good to know. Voted: Birdiest.

OH. MY. GOD. You could fit a grapefruit in that navel of hers. Poor Debbie Mazar is in dire need of a shaping garment. Also a new stylist. Maybe a new face and body. Disgusting. Voted: Most Likely to Self-Mutilate.

I’m not sure just what that is, but I know that I saw something resembling it in the movie “Alien.” It calls itself “Marg Helgenberger” and I’m pretty sure it feasts on the souls of the dead. Voted: Unholiest.

Kyra Sedgwick has a smokin’ body. She’s not cracked-out skinny or overly-buff — she’s nice and toned. Really fit for her age. But sweet holy Moses, her hair is terrible. Worst. Updo. Ever. And once again, the fair-skinned and light-haired need to stay the hell away from the beige and flesh tones. They’re just unflatttering. To think, she paid someone for that look. Voted: Frizziest.