Source: yeeeah.com

Since it’s summertime, it’s only fitting that gratuitous photos of celebrities in bikinis should be standard around these parts. Allow me to present your first-ever post-quickies palate cleanser: the Summer Supererogative. Today’s star is nineties supermodel Helena Christensen. As you can plainly see, Helena still has nipples. And you can milk just about anything with nipples. Except Robert DiNero.

Source: yeeeah.com

There were no electrical accidents on the set of “Crank 2,” because actress Amy Smart’s boobs were properly labeled “Phase A Low Voltage.” Find more safety tips like these in the NFPA’s Electrical Fire Safety manual under the heading “Nipples and You: A Lesson in Conductivity.” Available online at NFPA.org.

Source: yeeeah.com

Miley Cyrus issued a statement apologizing for those suggestive MySpace pictures and for a photo shoot in next month’s Vanity Fair in which she appears to be topless. People Magazine quotes her as saying:

On Vanity Fair:

“I was so honored and thrilled to work with Annie [Leibovitz]. I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be ‘artistic’ and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed.”

On the MySpace pictures:

“The pictures of me on the Internet were silly, inappropriate shots. I appreciate all the support of my fans, and hope they understand that along the way I am going to make mistakes and I am not perfect. I never intended for any of this to happen and I am truly sorry if I have disappointed anyone.

Most of all, I have let myself down. I will learn from my mistakes and trust my support team. My family and my faith will guide me through my life’s journey.”

The Disney Channel’s spin on it:

“Unfortunately, as the article suggests, a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines.”

And lastly, Vanity Fair’s take on it:

“Miley’s parents and/or minders were on the set all day. Since the photo was taken digitally, they saw it on the shoot and everyone thought it was a beautiful and natural portrait of Miley. The photo suggests that she is [naked], but she is not. She is covered by a sheet, and beneath the sheet she is clothed.”

Originally, she was in a flesh-colored tank top but was asked to remove it.”

And MY take on it:

Jesus H. Christ. If we’re going to start arguing the hypersexualization of little girls, how ’bout we start with those god-awful Bratz dolls that every seven year old in pigtails seems to have? That Vanity Fair photo is no more provocative than a halter top, but this little yo-ho looks like she’s about to offer me a half and half plus Greek if I want to come up three o’clock. Those are awfully big words to have to explain to a second grader. Fortunately, pointing and lewd hand gestures still do the trick in Nepal. Sex sells, sweethearts!

Source: www.yeeeah.com

It’s a day ending in “y,” so by my calculations, it’s time for Sienna Miller to show us her snatch/tits again! And in case you missed her boobs the first time she pulled her bikini top down (photo left), then check out the tit-tastic view when she pulls her top up (photo right). And then down again (thumbnail 4)! And now back up again (thumbnail 2)! And then check out the view when she circles them with magic marker and puts flashing police lights on either side of them and has a little midget in a rhinestone jumpsuit scream “SIENNA MILLER TITTIES” out of a megaphone while blasting an airhorn and throwing confetti! I’m not one hundred percent sure here, but I think she might want us to check out her boobies. Of course, that’s just an educated guess. Don’t quote me on that.

Source: www.yeeeah.com

I’ve often wondered how a professional call girl might have spent her eighteenth birthday. Perusing the foliage at the Botanical Gardens, perhaps? Taking a lap at roller rink fête? Showing her tits to a bunch of drunk guys on a Girls Gone Wild tour bus? Ding ding ding! What do we have for her, Johnny? The NY Daily News says

Five years ago, Eliot Spitzer’s infamous call girl celebrated her 18th birthday by starring in a racy lesbian spring break flick. Ashley Alexandra Dupré is featured on seven reels of a sexually explicit video called “Spring Break 2003.” GGW CEO Joe Francis told the Daily News “We have some really great footage of Ashley. There’s a shower scene that alone is worth the money. She was really into girl-on-girl action and she was all over the guys, too. Ashley was “a total ‘GGW’ groupie. She hopped on the bus and rolled with us for a week.”

The Dupré videos will be available on girlsgonewild.com at 6 a.m. Wednesday for $4.95 each.

I know somebody’s mother is beaming with pride this morning! It’s like the day she took Ashley for her first abortion and Christmas all rolled into one magical day. “Chribortion Day.” Every mother should get to celebrate it once!

EDITOR’S NOTE: Everything I predicted has come true. Am I psychotic? I’d say all signs point to yes!

SFW stills from Spring Break 2003: Anything Goes:

Source: yeeeah.com

New York magazine released a couple of outtakes from Lindsay Lohan’s now infamous Marilyn Monroe “Last Sitting” recreation, and boy, are they boring. I say “boring” because although still technically naked, there’s not nearly as many nipples as before. Well, kinda, in one, if you strain. And I’m not big into straining. That’s why I use a ladle and balance the carton on my chest when I’m eating ice cream. I find key positioning and wider delivery devices can cut your carton-to-mouth recovery time in half. Believe me, between that and my Hover Round, I barely ever strain at all.

Boring, loring, snoring:

Source: yeeeah.com

Lindsay Lohan poses topless and totally-nude-but-artfully-covered in a tribute to Marilyn Monroe in NY magazine this month. This would be totally exciting and newsworthy had I not seen her nipples 2,534 times in the last year alone. I don’t think this skank even owns a bra. Unless its to hold back some dude’s balls for maximum penetration or to serve as a chin rest when she’s taking turns gobbling a couple different wieners at once.

LSFW nakedness:

Source: www.drunkenstepfather.com

Her name is Diora Baird and she’s some kind Guess? Model who did Playboy. These are supposed to be some kind of amateur self-shot pictures she took but they look like they are from the 70s and bitch was only born in ‘83, so I don’t really get it. But I am not the smartest dude out there. I do know that she’s got bush going on and everyone knows that from the time she was 18, bush didn’t exist and the brazilian had already killed pubic hair around the globe. Murderer.

Either way, she’s topless, and despite lookin’ like she’s on the set of Roseanne, or part of some trailer park film festival, her tits are big and worth lookin’ at.

Source: www.drunkenstepfather.com

I saw some more pictures of Kelly Brook in some dated ill-fitting bikini that I was going to post asking why the fuck every site is posting pictures of this bitch when no one knows who the fuck she is, but then I came across her topless pictures and figured that it doesn’t matter who the fuck she is, what does matter is that she’s half naked and that’s all a girl needs to do to get on this site. So if it’s always been your dream to have me write about you, all you gotta do is get naked but after you do that, we’re going to have to have a talk and work on the reasons why you have such shitty dreams…

Bonus – Her Shitty Dated Ill-Fitting Bikini

Source: www.drunkenstepfather.com

Her name is Julie Ordon, I have no idea who she is, but I kinda want to know, because she’s pretty into being naked and not really caring that some creepy immigrant paparazzi motherfucker is snapping off pictures of her half naked in a see through bikini bottom and thong.

It either means that she is a free-spirited tree-hugging liberal bitch who takes it up the ass and has had multiple sex partners because it makes her feel empowered or she craves male attention and takes it up the ass and has multiple sex partners to make her feel wanted because her daddy liked the neighbor’s daughter (with his penis) better than he liked her, so whatever the reason is, she’s doing a good job doing whatever she is doing and she’s doing it half naked….Merry fucking Christmas.

Source: www.drunkenstepfather.com

Lookin’ at Kate Moss topless on the beach is about as exciting as looking at pictures of my dirty flacid penis, not because my penis is exciting or some half naked, middle-aged, coked out supermodel, even though I pretend it is when I am taking showers, but because it’s as equally washed up and she is and about the same amount of people have seen it. Not to mention, it’s probably the same size as her retarded supermodel nipples, which isn’t saying much about my capabilities of making girls feel me in their throat when I am slamming them, but I have come to terms with having a smaller penis than a 3 year old. What it is saying about Kate Moss though, is that her nipples are like two 3 year old’s penises, which is something you probably like and the reason why I don’t like you.

Here she is topless in Mexico with some dude who’s gotta be gay, but I generally stereotype skinny, groomed men in speedos as fags, even if they’re not. Maybe dude’s just pretending to be gay to get closer to Kate Moss’ vagina, not that he’d want to, because based on her facial expressions when she’s checkin’ out her junk, it looks like Pete Doherty may have forgotten some of his junk in there and now it’s rotting. Maybe it’s just a rash, in which case I’d totally apply topical cream on her, with my mouth, but that’s just because I’m dirty and a gold digging whore, even if the gold I’m digging for turns out to be flakey flesh wounds.

Source: www.derekhail.com

Here is Sarah Michelle Gellar topless in the December 2007 issue of Maxim. In addition to the topless pictures, as expected, Maxim Online has a preview of the Sarah Michelle Gellar interview.

Our readers have been asking us to get you on the cover for years. Why now?
Lots of things. I’m 30, and I’m promoting a bunch of different kinds of movies. I like to shake things up every once in a while. It’s good to leave people wanting more, but I don’t want to leave them waiting too long or they’ll lose interest. Besides, how could I not do a Maxim shoot when I have a movie coming out in which I play a porn star?

- For the rest of the interview… Go to Maxim Online

She is 30 years old. Thirty. Years. Old. They’ve always said women hit their sexual peak at 30, but in this particular instance it’s more of an attempt to revive a waning career and as we can see by example of Kim Kardashian, the best way to fire up a career is to get naked.