Source: agentbedhead.com

It’s been awhile since we heard about that real-life runaway bride, Jennifer Wilbanks. However, we are pleased to report that Wilbanks and her ex-fianc´, John Mason, have stopped filing lawsuits against each other long enough for John to get his mack on and marry another woman. This time around, John found a (presumably) lovely lady that didn’t demand a wedding with fourteen bridesmaids and six-hundred guests, along with all that other madness:

John Mason was thrust into the spotlight in 2005 when then-fiance Jennifer Wilbanks disappeared just days before their wedding. She turned up a few days later in New Mexico and initially claimed she had been kidnapped and sexually assaulted. She later recanted, saying she ran away because of personal issues, and pleaded no contest to telling authorities a phony story.

Well, Jennifer shouldn’t be bummed out at all about this, for she has more humiliating things to consider. Earlier this month, a musical about her self-induced drama, “Runaway Bride,” opened in Deluth, Georgia, where all the soap-opera action unfolded.

Gathering in a grocery store, characters in the play express various viewpoints, with a shopper played by Tootoo Cirlot summing it up simply: “I can’t believe she never called her mama.”

Ah, well. Sociopaths don’t think about that sort of thing.

Source: agentbedhead.com

As we mentioned last week, we received a cease-and-desist letter from the attorneys of People magazine. This letter asked us to remove a tiny promotional thumbnail image of the much-anticipated postnatal Christina Aguilera cover. We complied with the request as did Celebitchy, our higher-trafficked BFFs. It’s a damn shame that free and harmless publicity is no longer welcomed by tabloids, for their tactics seem to have backfired:

People magazine is estimated to have paid $1.5 million for this week’s exclusive photos of Christina Aguilera and her new baby, but early estimates from the President’s Day weekend sales show consumers have had a rather tepid response to the issue so far.

The issue, which hit late last week, is on target to sell only around 1.3 million copies this week, according to several industry sources, though one estimate put the number slightly higher to 1.5 million copies. People, Time Inc.’s top moneymaking title, ordinarily averages 1.4 million copies a week on newsstands.

This chilling effect is not entirely unexpected, and I’m curious what results will come from the reported $4 million Jennifer Lopez twins deal. She and Marc Anthony cannot even put asses in movie seats let alone sell pictures of their babies that will — let’s face it — look like most other babies in this world.

Source: agentbedhead.com

The above image represents what is quite possibly my favourite George Clooney picture ever — aside from this one, those two, or, for that matter, any of these.

Radar Online makes the case that Hollywood Hates George Clooney. The article includes some discussion of the Fabio Incident™ and many other interesting details about the guy who’d like you to believe that, when he’s not busy saving the world, he’s just clowning around.

Source: agentbedhead.com

Score one for Kate Moss, whose life has drastically improved since her notorious cocaine shame, but dammit, folks, get your scandals straight. Of course, we’re speaking of News Of The World and their unsubstantiated orgy story, which unequivocally stated that Moss had enjoyed a foursome romp at her 34th birthday party. Now, NOTW retracts the article it pulled out of its ass:

SORRY KATE

We would like to apologise to Kate Moss and to her family and friends for any offence or distress caused by our article last week relating to alleged events at her 34th birthday party at the Dorchester Hotel.

The News of the World was offered detailed information from a normally reliable source which we now accept was untrue. We regret publication of that material in the RAV column and have agreed to pay Kate a sum in damages.

Pictured above, along with Moss, is Jamie Hince, the ubiquitous chain-smoking vegan guitarist of The Kills and six-month steady boyfriend of Moss. Much to Kate’s delight, no doubt, her pal Kelly Osbourne is decidedly unimpressed: “I call Jamie the grumpy old man because he likes a good moan – but he and Kate do work well together.” Yes, well. The Osbourne family isn’t exactly full of positive male role models, so we cannot blame Kelly for her rather nonexistent frame of reference.

Images from Celebutopia

Source: agentbedhead.com

You just gotta love the competitive nature of the news networks in their almighty battle for ratings. Poor Ozzy Osbourne, who can barely stand up to urinate and once attended rehab under the impression there would be a bar, has been enlisted as a ratings tool by CNN. Newsanchor Anderson Cooper, who is apparently quite lenient in his definition of “celebrity newscaster,â€? brought Ozzy onto his program for an audition of sorts:

We have a finalist in our search for the Voice of 360. Ever since NBC hired Michael Douglas to introduce their nightly newscast, we have been auditioning people as well. It’s been an epic search, spanning the world, utilizing the full global resources of CNN.

Meanwhile, the notion of Ozzy Osbourne, the prince of fucking darkness, as a mainstream cable news anchor has sent some hardcore borderline psychotic Ozzy fans into a panic. They seek to bring him back from the abyss with emphatic pleas such as the following characterization found on Ozzy’s website fan forum:

Don’t do it Ozzy! CNN is a criminal organization. CNN helped place the images of a plane on the WTC videos on 9/11. CNN participated in mass murder. NO PLANES HIT THE TOWERS. It was a lie orchestrated in part by CNN. Watch ‘September Clues’ at [url omitted] and look at the video analysis at [url omitted]. 9/11 was a CNN/NBC/ABC/CBS/FOX job!

How darling! Check out the video of Ozzy’s so-called audition here.

Source: agentbedhead.com

Bono is a humanitarian, right? Well, he creates music as well but is now living largely off licensing and broadcast fees for his bitchin’ role as lead singer of U2. In fact, Bono, the Edge, Adam Clayton, and Larry Mullen all received a collective paycheck of over $25 million just last year. That’s not too shabby for a band that hasn’t released a new LP since 2000*, but showbiz is the place where one can conceivably live off their former greatness for all of eternity:

So just what has happened to Saint Bono? His transformation, according to those who know him, is all part of the 46-year-old star’s plan to move away from performing and into the worlds of high finance and politics.

For behind Bono’s working-class, man-of-the people facade lies someone whose love of money is matched only by his obsession with making even more of it.

To that end, the Irish-born singer has quietly established a private equity fund to invest more than £1billion in a series of money-making ventures. He set up Elevation Partners, named after a U2 song, last year with five former senior figures from the world of business, including the former chief financial officer of Apple Computers.

Bono may have alapped his name on a Product RED charity iPod that donates $10 (from a projected $120 margin per unit) to fight AIDS in Africa, but you gotta wonder about the source of his true motivations. After all, property portfolio includes an Italian-style palazzo near Dublin, a villa in the South of France, and a £15 million luxury penthouse on Manhattan’s Upper West side that contains “12ft nickel and bronze doors and floor-to-ceiling windows costing £40,000 each.” Damn!

Previously: Sir Bono Losing Foothold For Future Popedom

* Thanx to commenter JohnO, who rightly pointed out that U2 released 2004’s How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb, which I never noticed amidst their several greatest-hits styled releases.

Source: agentbedhead.com

Gah! The above illustrated cover of the November 2007 issue of Radar Magazine is, of course, a parody of the February 2006 (Tom Ford’s Hollywood) issue of Vanity Fair. As you can see, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have replaced Keira Knightley and Scarlett Johansson as the nude starlets de jour, and Rudy Giuliani has duly stepped into the ear-nibbling role that Tom Ford portrayed with such zeal.

As a result, I guess many of us won’t be having sex this weekend.

Source: agentbedhead.com

Hot damn, “The View” actually got interesting the other day. Barbara Walters slyly delivered her verdict concerning Anne Heche’s favoritism of banging James Tupper, her co-star of “Men In Trees,” over being a constant presence in her five-year old son Homer’s life.

WALTERS: “So, when you started this show, you were married to Coley Laffoon.”

HECHE: “Yes.”

WALTERS: “I didn’t think that marriage was going to last.”

HECHE: “Could you please tell me why?”

WALTERS: “Because I think that you’re all heart, and I don’t think that you always think . . . shall we go off on a corner?”

HECHE: “Please do.”

WALTERS: “I don’t think you always think with your head.”

Watch a video clip of that moment here. Whoopi Goldberg’s facial expression during the exchange is rather priceless.

Source: agentbedhead.com

The NY Post exposes a little tantrum by the youngest Phoenix sibling, who once called himself “Leaf”:

JOAQUIN Phoenix, notoriously cranky in interviews, set a new standard for surliness with Time Out New York’s Laura Leu the other day. When Leu asked by phone how he prepared for his role as a drug-addled nightclub manager in “We Own the Night,” Phoenix responded, “I never prepare. I think that’s completely overrated. It’s a very simple job. All you have to do is . . . stand in the right spot and say the line. So I don’t really believe in preparation.” When Leu pressed, “But you prepared for ‘Ladder 49′ by training with a fire academy,” testy Phoenix replied, “I just said that because I thought it would sound good to the press. I don’t know why it seems to be of note that actors do any kind of preparation. It’s just what you’re supposed to do in your [bleep]ing job. Do you think that because you did some research you deserve some special credit?” Then he hung up on her.

Wow. Someone really needs to get laid. Since when did Joaquin turn into such an unwashed freak?

Source: agentbedhead.com

Any fears concerning the health of Isaac Hanson should be dismissed full stop, for the eldest Hanson led brothers Taylor and Zachary in a weekend of campaigning their hometown of Tulsa for a “Yes” vote on the river tax. This essentially means nothing to outsiders except that, coincidentally, the newly-released Hanson album is called “The Walk” and features the Tulsa trio standing on a sand bar in the Arkansas River. How convenient.

“I’m not somebody who really likes the idea of more taxes. I think most people do not like the idea of more taxes. And it’s always pretty scary, ‘oh man, we’re just going to keep on paying money for stuff?’ Yeah, but in this particular case, I think there’s a good reason for it. It’s the only way unfortunately that something like this can get done,” said Isaac Hanson.

Regardless of the fact that the City Of Tulsa already boasts one of the highest sales tax rates in the nation, the Hanson brothers have issued an urgent plea to further tax their hometown into oblivion. Nice work, guys. As a consolation, most fans of Hanson aren’t old enough to vote.

On The Web: KOTV.com

Bonus: E-clip of Isaac talking about his illness.

Source: agentbedhead.com

Comedienne Sarah Silverman certainly enjoys her moments of slight humour, but after watching this video, I’m a wee bit disgusted to say the very least. Either Silverman is pimping the controversy angle for ratings, or she just doesn’t have too many subjects to make fun of. Either way, she should realize that poor taste isn’t a mere substitute for humour.

However, attempting to reason while I am tipsy is never a productive endeavor, so I’ll just shush now. Carry on.

Source: agentbedhead.com

Celebrities can always “accomplish” what mere civilians cannot dream of achieving. For example, let’s take Shakira — international superstar, “recording artist,” marketing darling, and college freshman — who, for whatever reason, has caused NYC Mayor Bloomberg to take time out of his busy schedule to, allegedly, discuss anti-poverty Initiatives with Shakira herself. Good plan.

See also A Message From Shakira’s Ass