Source: yeeeah.com

Since it’s summertime, it’s only fitting that gratuitous photos of celebrities in bikinis should be standard around these parts. Allow me to present your first-ever post-quickies palate cleanser: the Summer Supererogative. Today’s star is nineties supermodel Helena Christensen. As you can plainly see, Helena still has nipples. And you can milk just about anything with nipples. Except Robert DiNero.

Source: www.drunkenstepfather.com

Sure Helena Christensen’s a washed up hag now, but bitch still has fucking amazing legs and amazing legs always get my attention and as long as I stare at them, I can pretend that she doesn’t have the face of last month’s leftovers that are still in my fridge because my wife doesn’t like vegetables.

The beautiful thing about watching a girl age is that you know she is still a whore. Sure when she was a little girl she was sweet and cute and fun to be around because she always did such crafty things and when she turned 12 she was cool to be around because she was innocent and played with her dolls and had crushes on boys she saw on TV, but then she hit puberty and realized she had a vagina and could use her vagina to get anything she wanted because dude’s are fucking easy to manipulate, all you gotta do is show your tits. After realizing that she had this vagina that guys wanted a piece of she discovered that she liked money, and from that day on she was whore. Using her pussy to satisfy her self-interest. Now girls don’t like being told that they are all whores, but I’ve never met a girl who left a dude with money for someone with less statue because it’s all about upgrading for personal gain. That’s why ugly rich dudes always have hot pieces of ass by their side. Their lives are their business and when trying to get the fuck ahead the easiest way to do it is to fuck their way there.

So here is Helena Christensen, a champion whore who made her own money using her vagina, but bitch still has legs I’d like to crawl up just to see where they end and I am hoping her Vagina didn’t age as badly as her grill, because nothing ruins a great set of legs like a vagina that dangles like the shit stuck to my wife’s ass hair, because let’s face it, it’s a hard to reach area.

Source: yeeeah.com

Actress Kate Bosworth pal-ed around with former model Helena Christensen at the Food Bank of New York Can-Do Awards Dinner, which I assume is some kind of combination dinner/food drive or else the place where beauty goes to die. Seriously, what the fuck? I used to be in love with Helena Christensen. More than I loved Angelina Jolie, even. Every time I felt like I couldn’t make myself throw up again, I’d pull out my Victoria’s Secret catalog and stare deep into the eyes of my thinspiration and the vomit would magically come. It was easy, when you looked like this. And this. Or this. Now she’s got a five o’clock shadow that rivals Hasim’s the Speedy Mart manager’s. Jesus. And don’t even get me started on Kate Bosworth. I’ve seen better makeup on a clown. A clown corpse that sat in an alley and accidentally got spray painted by that machine that paints curbs and street lines and stuff. I mean, I was only five when I saw it happen, and it was after the clown had tried to stab my mother and ended up getting run over by the machine, so it’s all kinda hazy. But I’m still pretty sure that clown’s makeup was better than Kate’s. You just don’t forget something like that.

More of Kate and Helena after the jump