Source: yeeeah.com

Investigative journalist Ian Halperin spent 18 months as an undercover photographer while researching his unauthorized biography of Britney Spears. Among his startling revelations: Britney really did try to kill herself. More than once. Halperin told Life & Style magazine:

I spoke with her many times and went to her house. I will say the suicide attempts are true. I know all the details about both of them. It really became an issue once Jayden was born and it became clear Britney’s marriage to Kevin was crumbling. That’s when she began to say things like “I wish I was dead” or “It’d be better if I could go to sleep and never wake up” on a regular basis.”

And she would have succeeded, too, if it weren’t for that Frito-Lay press release announcing the debut of the new Cool Ranch® and Bacon Sour Cream® Cheetos. Finally, something for her to live for!

At Sur Restaurant on Monday:

Source: yeeeah.com

Matthew McConaughey spent a week away from his pregnant girlfriend earlier this month, drinking himself retarded and groping female patrons at the Iguana Bar in San Juan Del Sur. An eyewitness told Star Magazine

“He was acting like an out-of-control 18-year-old. He already seemed to be drunk when he arrived alone, and he only got worse from there on. He was putting the make on every woman in his path, throwing his arms around them and trying to kiss them, and trying to dirty-dance with a few out on the floor. But he was a mess, slurring his words and stumbling around.

A few minutes after he finally left the bar, someone found him in a sewage ditch outside. When they asked him what he was doing, he mumbled, ‘I’ve lost my flip-flops!’”

Nothing says “new dad” like slobbering drunk in a ditch. Wait, not “new dad.” I meant “nude ad.” Nothing says “nude ad” like slobbering drunk in a ditch. The last time I passed out in a gutter, my picture ended up front and center on concert posters for a punk band called “Drainage Ditch Debbie.” I have yet to see a paycheck for it, either.

Girlfriend Camila Alves in Spanish Elle February of this year:

Source: yeeeah.com

Fact: If you find yourself eyeballing a testicle less than two feet from your face and you’re not a urologist or a moyle, you’re a gay. If that testicle happens to be squashed out of the side of a leather banana hammock by a guy in a cowboy hat standing over a man in a dress, you should go ahead and invest in a mushroom brush and a Bowflex and learn the difference between wainscoting and boiserie.

More of Mickey Rourke enjoying karaoke night at Rokbar in South Beach on Sunday:

Source: yeeeah.com

Naomi Campbell’s receding hairline made another appearance during her gracious and dignified exit from Cipriani restaurant yesterday. The Daily Mail says

The supermodel, whose receding hairline was clearly visible as she brushed her hair back, started shouting and ran back inside [the restaurant]. She then re-emerged, shouting and screaming before she got into her waiting car, where she soon slumped sideways.

I say Naomi’s got another inch before she can’t conceal the horns anymore. Two inches, tops. And that’s when the thousand year reign of the Christ will come to an end and Naomi will assume her rightful place as the Antichrist and rule over the Earth until the End of Days.

Source: yeeeah.com

Boy, if I had a nipple for every time somebody told me I looked like a brunette Marissa Miller, I’d have… uh… two nipples by now. Wait — that’s not right. I mean I’d have like ten cents. Ten cents in nipples. The proof is in the pudding, boys and girls!

Source: yeeeah.com

After four years together, actress Anne Hathaway finally dumped her swindling check-bouncing boyfriend Raffaello Follieri. The The Daily Mail offers this insight into the split:

Hathaway made the painful decision because of the effects his controversial business dealings could have on her career.

His charity Follieri Foundation, which funded vaccination programs in developing countries, was being investigated by the New York State Attorney General’s Office [for fraud]. Follieri was [also] sued by a former business associate for bouncing a $215,000 check [last year].

The real test is going to be her ability to remain immune to his attempts to win her back. That first (collect) call from prison; the bouquets of yellow roses (bought with a credit card opened in her name); the diamond necklace (purchased with the insurance money from those “debilitating injuries” he suffered in that “car crash” last summer). A girl’d practically have to be an impenetrable fortress to deny those kind of romantic gestures. Or at least not legally blind and functionally retarded.

Promo stills for Get Smart:

Source: yeeeah.com

In an open letter in NY Magazine, columnist Emma Rosenblum addresses Katherine Heigl’s recent withdrawal from the Emmy nominations for “lack of material” and her increasingly holier-than-thou behavior. Rosenblum writes:

Okay, Heigl, we agree that Izzie’s story lines have become increasingly marginal and unbelievable. Lately, everyone on the show seems to think that Izzie’s completely irritating. So do we! We actually groan aloud when your face appears onscreen! And guess what? You’re totally annoying and self-righteous, just like Izzie!

And then (and then!) you called your own hit movie, Knocked Up, “a little sexist.” But you did it, you made lots of money, and it made you a certified movie star. Do you think you’re above the work that you do? It was a comedy, and you profited tremendously. You’re no Streep, honey, and even she does Abba with a smile.

Grey’s Anatomy is a soap opera. Get off your high horse, missy. You talk all about the integrity of the Academy? Ha! You know they’re giving an Emmy to a reality-TV show host this year, right? Stop pissing off your writers and directors and castmates.

Of course, I would have included a photograph of myself using “27 Dresses” to wipe my own ass, but that’s just me. Not everyone has my savoir-faire and sense of decorum. It’s a gift, really.

In Mexico with her husband this past weekend:

Source: yeeeah.com

Amy Winehouse was hospitalized after “fainting” in her Camden home yesterday afternoon. Amy’s rep told Us Weekly

“Fortunately, her manager’s assistant was there to stop her falling. Her father Mitch took her to hospital as a precaution. Doctors are unsure of the cause of the incident and Amy is currently undergoing tests.”

I assume the doctors testing Amy are actually mongoloid monkeys that somehow sneaked into the hospital by wearing mirrored headbands and stethoscopes and holding clipboards. It’s the only probable reason they would be “unsure of the cause of the incident” instead of just stating, “Drugs, you idiots! It’s the fucking drugs already! Jesus!” and then slapping you in the face for being such a moron.

Source: yeeeah.com

Paris Hilton was on her way to a photo shoot last weekend when she up and decided she wanted a puppy to “make it look cuter.” However, the Melrose Avenue pet store she solicited had different ideas. According to Page Six

Hilton tried to buy a Yorkie but was rebuffed by an employee. Hilton, who has a menagerie of neglected animals, went “ballistic. She started screaming, ‘I love my puppies! I want my baby!’ ” – but to no avail.

The employ did suggest another way to make the shoot a little cuter. “Maybe if you were trapped inside a flaming car barreling over a cliff full of crocodiles and napalm,” said one. “Oh, and AIDS. Definitely something with AIDS,” added another. “What about face cancer?” Unfortunately, none of those things were available at the puppy store, but everyone there agreed it was a great idea.

Father’s Day at Mr. Chow. That name again is Mr. Chow:

Source: yeeeah.com

Environmentalists everywhere voiced their concerns over the weekend regarding Kim Kardashian being allowed to lounge outdoors in only a bikini. Scientists believe her bottom could easily be mistaken for North America from an aerial perspective, confusing migratory birds and causing derivations from their usual route to the U.S. “Plus, bitch got one big fat ass,” one scientist was quoted as saying. “I mean, God dayum.” Sorry, but you can’t argue with science!

Upsetting fragile ecosystems with sister Kourtney over the weekend:

Source: yeeeah.com

Real girls eat meat. And — from the looks of Jessica Simpson here — also donuts and Hershey bars and double-potato fritattas. Saddle on up, fatty!

With Tony in LA:

Source: yeeeah.com

Billy Bob Thornton is speaking out on ex-wife Angelina Jolie’s relationship with Brad Pitt, and as you’d expect, it’s all very deep and insightful. Female First quotes him as saying

“She is just going through a high school phase. You know, dating the quarterback of the football team with Brad Pitt over there. She’ll be waking up from that dream in no time. Who knows if I’ll be there when she’s ready to come to her senses though.”

Well, when I woke up from that dream, it was right in the middle of the part where Brad was stroking my hair and running his mouth over my heaving bosom. Right before the part where he morphed into a snake with four heads and eagle claws and two little girls on tricycles started circling around me chanting in Latin. See, this is exactly why you never take a bunch of valium to come down off an acid trip. Better to do it the old-fashioned way and drink whiskey until you pass out. The more you know!

Vintage Jolie goodness: