Source: yeeeah.com

So you think Megan Fox is so freakin’ pretty, do you? The “next Angeline Jolie,” only with gayer tattoos and less emotional baggage? Well, I hope you’re into carnies and freaks and stumpy nubs instead of digits, because Megan Fox has some seriously fucked-up looking thumbs. Maybe there was some kind of soldering accident or maybe a bout with Rubinstein-Taybi syndrome. Whatever the hell it is, it’s hideous. Try maintaining an erection with one of those anomalies up your ass. Damn near impossible, I’d say. And I don’t even have a penis. No, really — I don’t. It’s just a testicle. One testicle. And it’s somewhere in my abdomen so it doesn’t really count. You know, since I don’t really have a scrotum or anything. The doctor just said those were just unusually large labial folds. Yeah. But what about these thumbs, baby? I’ve got the thumbs of an angel! That freak Megan Fox’s got nothin’ on me.

More of Captain Carnie arriving in London after the jump

Source: yeeeah.com

George O’Dowd, the singer better known as Boy George, was arrested over the weekend for kidnapping a hooker and “torturing him.” According to London’s The Daily Mail:

Boy George has been arrested [for] false imprisonment and assault. The former Culture Club front man allegedly kidnapped a 28-year-old Norwegian male escort early on Saturday morning. Boy George, 45, and another man handcuffed [the escort] to a hook on the wall after inviting him to the singer’s house to pose for photographs. A police spokesman said: “[We] are investigating and a man in his 40s has been arrested in connection with the allegation.”

If I had a dollar for every hooker I’d kidnapped and tortured, I’d be, like, five dollars richer now. It makes the chase more exciting if they don’t see me coming. Nobody suspects the woman on a ten-speed with a baby seat on the back, so you can pounce right up on a good cracked-out whore like a tiger in the jungle. But I’m not some kind of sick bastard who goes around handcuffing people to the walls, taking deviant photographs and other such gay nonsense. I’m more of a “tie you up and make you watch ‘Herbie: Fully Loaded” six or seven times while blasting the soundtrack to “Glitter” kinda girl.

More of Jessica Simpson’s big boobs en route to Chi Dynasty restaurant after the jump, because I’m incredibly generous and Boy George is ugly.

Source: yeeeah.com

Scarlett Johansson fueled the already-swirling rumors of a hook-up over the weekend with her music video co-star Justin Timberlake. Page Six reports:

Justin had more fun in Miami than the Chicago Bears on Super Bowl weekend, hitting it off with Scarlett Johansson at a glamorous postgame party. Johansson met Timberlake at the Hennessey Super Bowl afterparty at Mokai, where, spies say, “they were talking, dancing, holding hands all night – it was very cozy. Then, as they left through the back, Justin was leaning against the wall and Scarlett came up, leaned into him and did a sexy, little dance, grinding into his body.”

So fucking what? If I had a nickel for every guy I salaciously ground my body into, I’d probably be a millionaire. Or at least an eleven-thousand-aire. And if I had a dollar fifty for every guy I blew in bathroom of the Waffle House, well, then, I’d probably retire in ten years. I’m going places, people. Scarlett Johansson’s got nothin’ on me.

Source: yeeeah.com

Aussie pop star Kylie Minogue says that she and boyfriend Olivier Martinez like getting freaky in the bedroom.  She reveals to the Post-Chronicle:

“Sex is the most natural thing in the world. When I’m in a relationship, I like lots of it. I like to be swept off my feet. But I do have a very low boredom threshold.  [Oliver and I] talk a lot on the phone and it can get quite steamy – we miss each other. The bills are quite high, but that’s the way we communicate with each other.”

You know how I “communicate” with my spouse?  Throwing my gin and tonic in his face when he gets too close to my “special place.”  And I’ve found that the fetal position really says more than any words ever could.

Source: yeeeah.com

Aussie pop star Kylie Minogue says that she and boyfriend Olivier Martinez like getting freaky in the bedroom.  She reveals to the Post-Chronicle:

“Sex is the most natural thing in the world. When I’m in a relationship, I like lots of it. I like to be swept off my feet. But I do have a very low boredom threshold.  [Oliver and I] talk a lot on the phone and it can get quite steamy – we miss each other. The bills are quite high, but that’s the way we communicate with each other.”

You know how I “communicate” with my spouse?  Throwing my gin and tonic in his face when he gets too close to my “special place.”  And I’ve found that the fetal position really says more than any words ever could.

Source: yeeeah.com

Ashlee Simpson showed up in some promotional shots for her new Victoria’s Secret campaign looking like a post-op tranny with a Bubba-Gump-sized gums. I’ve said before that I’m all for plastic surgery, but this is just unholy. If I saw Ashlee on the street, I’d assume she was one of those he-she’s that give BJs in the park to pay for their crystal meth addiction. And I’d probably clutch my purse and try not to breathe in as I walked past. Granted, I tried not to breathe in around her before the plastic surgery, but that was because she was just plain ugly, not because she was a hideous freak of nature.

UPDATE: Alert reader T. informed me these pictures were previously posted on Yeeeah! My humble apologies. In retrospect, I had seen them before, but I thought Pam Anderson had a bastard kid brother who liked dressing up in women’s clothes and channeling his inner orangutan. Because orangutans are orange… get it? And they have those crazy monkey lips. Like Ashlee. Alright, fuck you. I’ll lay off the Turkey until 9 a.m.

More pics of post-op Ashlee after the jump

Source: yeeeah.com

Kirsten Dunst is busy blabbing about her and ex-boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal’s sex life instead of promoting her new film “Marie Antoinette.” She tells Britain’s News of the World:

“[Jake and I] had sex in cars, in the bathroom and even by the sea. The only place we didn’t have the guts to try was in a walkway in a hotel because we thought we might get kicked out if we were caught… Jake was the love of my life. He was, is and always will be. Despite what has happened, though, I still have this whole fairytale vision in my head because I was brought up on movies and storybooks that say I’m going to find my soulmate, get married and have a perfect life. Maybe one day that will be with Jake.”

Funny, I don’t remember Prince Charming pounding Cinderella in a ballroom bathroom or in the backseat of the horse-drawn carriage. That’s not like any fairytale I’ve ever heard of. It sounds more like “Sexerella and the Horny Stepsisters,” which is really less of a “fairy tale” and more of a “shitty porno.”