Source: yeeeah.com

Fact: If you find yourself eyeballing a testicle less than two feet from your face and you’re not a urologist or a moyle, you’re a gay. If that testicle happens to be squashed out of the side of a leather banana hammock by a guy in a cowboy hat standing over a man in a dress, you should go ahead and invest in a mushroom brush and a Bowflex and learn the difference between wainscoting and boiserie.

More of Mickey Rourke enjoying karaoke night at Rokbar in South Beach on Sunday:

Source: yeeeah.com

Naomi Campbell’s receding hairline made another appearance during her gracious and dignified exit from Cipriani restaurant yesterday. The Daily Mail says

The supermodel, whose receding hairline was clearly visible as she brushed her hair back, started shouting and ran back inside [the restaurant]. She then re-emerged, shouting and screaming before she got into her waiting car, where she soon slumped sideways.

I say Naomi’s got another inch before she can’t conceal the horns anymore. Two inches, tops. And that’s when the thousand year reign of the Christ will come to an end and Naomi will assume her rightful place as the Antichrist and rule over the Earth until the End of Days.

Source: yeeeah.com

Jennifer Butler-Murray claimed last week that husband Bill Murray’s violent temper and out-of-control drinking were the impetus for her to sue for divorce, but — strangely enough — Bill isn’t the one the neighbors are calling the cops on. According to a report filed with the Sullivan’s Island Police Department (via The Ny Post):

On March 17 of this year, Butler-Murray allegedly got drunk and two of her kids ran over to a neighbor’s house for help. [The investigating officer wrote, "The children] informed me that their mother had been drinking heavily and had [become] physical with them,” the report said.

The report said Bill Murray was in California at the time.

The real victims in all this are the children. So much fodder for “your momma” jokes and so many, many months in a calendar school year.

_{EDITOR’S NOTE: The woman in the photograph above is NOT Jennifer Butler-Murray. The woman pictured is actually the devil.}

Source: yeeeah.com

Video footage of Mary-Kate Olsen being carried to her car and then tumbling out of the backseat after partying in L.A. Thursday night has sparked rumors than The Thinspiration will be taking another sabbatical in rehab. (I searched high and low this morning for the footage, but it’s all mysteriously been yanked after making the rounds late Friday afternoon.) According to Full Disclosure

Olsen went to rehab in Utah in 2004 for an eating disorder amid rumors that she was also being treated for substance abuse. Now friends say she is out of control again.

“She refused to talk to Elle magazine about her involvement with Heath Ledger [and it] has brought the whole thing up in the press again and she has been depressed all over,” one pal tells us.

Boy, I wish I could make a living out of drinking my body weight and passing out on the street. Of course, for Mary-Kate, drinking her body weight translates to three Bacardi Breezers and a buttery nipple if she’s retaining water, but still. I’d be fucking Fortune 500 by now instead of just part-time in your mom’s pants. Oh, that’s right — buuurrn, mothafuckas!

At the Metropolitan Museum of Art Costume Institute Gala last month with her sister:

Source: yeeeah.com

Lily Allen is apologizing for her drunken behavior at the Glamour Women of the Year Awards on Tuesday. She writes on her MySpace blog

“This time I’m putting my hands up, I got very drunk last night, too drunk. It’s not cool getting that drunk, I feel awful… Kids, drink responsibly or you’ll end up looking like this, not pretty!

I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about. No one I know ever accused her of being pretty. A grown-up version of that girl in your tenth grade English class that wrote cliched poems on her arms and refused to let grunge die its slow flannel death, yes. Tubby and party-hat nippled, yes. Pretty, no. Frankly, if she’s going to start apologizing, she might want to start with one of those other ones first.

Nursing hangover before going to the Royal Academy of Arts summer exhibition party:

Source: yeeeah.com

I take a great deal of pride in the fact that I have never once knowingly listened to a Lily Allen song. I have also never watched an episode of “The Hills” or “Gossip Girl” or any of Season 7 of “American Idol.” I read recently that exposing yourself to too much crap can make you get fat, and if there’s one thing a girl can’t be, it’s fat. Or ugly. Case in point: 23-year-old “singer” (like I said, I can’t confirm that) Lily Allen had to be lugged out of the Glamour Women of the Year Awards in London last night, where she cleverly used her Editor’s Special Award to hide her face from the paparazzi, without considering the bright pink hair and the decapitated Bambi print dress and the teal shoes might give her away anyway. The Daily Mail says

Bleary-eyed and most definitely worse for wear, the newly pink-haired singer covered her face with her very own Glamour gong as a security guard put her in to a car. Lily, who teamed her freshly coloured tresses with a prom dress decorated with prints of a bleeding Bambi, had [to be propped up] as she struggled to keep her balance.

Like my dad once said, “Nobody likes fat chicks.” He also used to say, “Better hope Santy Claus brings you a treadmill” and “What are you, some kind of lesbian?” I think Lily could have really learned a lot from my father.

Source: yeeeah.com

Natural beauty Christina Aguilera apparently put on quite a skank show at LAX nightclub last weekend. The Daily Mail says

[Aguilera] and her [female] companion put on a sexy show by dancing close to each other. 26-year-old Christina even grabbed her friend’s head and rubbed her face into her breast as their racy dancing continued.

Some new moms join their local chapter of Stroller Strides; some join little play groups that meet for story time at the library; some get wasted and shove their girlfriends’ faces in their tits like college freshmen whose daddies didn’t show them enough attention growing up. Those are the kind of mommies that have martinis for breakfast and fuck their kids’ soccer coaches and demand full custody for extra child support paychecks. Or, as I like to call them, “the cool moms” at whose houses the Stroller Stride kids are going to want to spend the night in fifteen years.

Source: yeeeah.com

Freshly-rehabbed Kirsten Dunst was photographed sporting a massive shiner Monday afternoon in New York. The Mirror says

Spider-Man star Kirsten Dunst looked like she’d been punched in the eye on the set of her latest film. Even a huge pair of sunglasses couldn’t hide the massive bruise on her cheek.

This follows close on the heels of Kirsten’s boozy 26th birthday party at NYC’s Bowery Electric last week. Coincidence? Probably not. MSNBC adds

A spywitness claims Kirsten downed a shot of whiskey before moving on to a series of rum and Cokes. “She got worse as the night went on,” the source revealed to the magazine. “She was dancing and jumping around like a crazed animal! She indulged any guy who gave her attention… and went up to several guys and started flirting with them hardcore.”

It’s Kirsten Dunst we’re talking about here, so you can pretty much guarantee she either A) caught the corner of the bathroom sink as she passed out on the crapper, or B) took one in the face trying to fend off a cross and a wooden stake from entering her heart.

Source: yeeeah.com

Not even a whole month out of rehab, and Kirsten Dunst is already back to her Drunksnty ways. The NY Daily News says

Recently rehabbed Kirsten Dunst partied hard last week for her 26th birthday at Bowery Electric. We can’t say for sure what the newly sober Dunst was consuming, but spies say the actress looked a lot worse for the wear as she tumbled out on to the street hours after midnight with girlfriends gripping her arm.

A really fun game to play with a drunk person is a little something I like to call “Lassie.” Wait until they’re good and drunk and slurry and can’t get a discernible word out, and when they try to get your attention because they need to throw up, crouch down next to them, cock your head to one side and say, “What is it, girl? Trouble at the old mill? Timmy fell down a well?!” It’d be especially funny with Kirsten because she’s already got the cuspids of an actual canine.

Jennifer Aniston sucking face with John Mayer in Miami, because they’re too boring for a whole post:

Source: yeeeah.com

The old Lindsay Lohan is definitely back in business. First that monkey-roll fest last week, and now this, from today’s Rush and Molloy):

Lindsay Lohan [was] getting her drink on at the Crown Lounge in L.A. with “The Hills” Lauren Conrad. “They were doing shots of tequila, but Lindsay was turning her back so no one would see,” said a spy. Too bad La Lohan failed to notice her reflection in a nearby window was visible to everyone in the bar. Lindsay’s rep called the tale untrue – and “mean.”

Peek-a-Boo is a clever ruse if you’re dealing with someone with the cognitive range of a three month-old. Bar patrons and arresting officers, not so much. Another game not big with the boys in blue: the school yard classic “Mother, May I.” Seems nobody with a gun wants to hear you say, “Oh, but you didn’t say Mother, may I walk this line foot over foot with my arms outstretched!”

UPDATE: Guess who just got axed from the Charles Manson movie (pun intended!) because no respectable actors wanted to work with her? Ho ho!

In Puss in Boot’s boots in Hollywood Tuesday:

Source: yeeeah.com

New mommy Christina Aguilera celebrated baby Max’s 112 day-old birthday by getting so wasted at the Crown Bar in Hollywood that husband Jordan Bratman had to hold her up on the way out. Reminds me a lot of my folks when I was a little girl. Of course, it was usually me holding momma up and picking the chunks of puke out of her hair instead of daddy, mostly because I didn’t have a dad and we didn’t find out who my real father was until he was paroled and the circus came back to town. So, really, I guess it’s nothing like my childhood. Way to bring me down. Jerks.

Source: yeeeah.com

Amy Winehouse sobbed all the way to the London police station today where she is being questioned in conjunction with that head-butting face-punching rampage that happened late Wednesday night. But don’t think a date with the boys in blue curtailed her fun the night before! It’s Amy Winehouse! Don’t let’s be silly. The Daily Mail reports

After a quick session in a local pub, she headed round the corner to the Made In Brasil restaurant, where things started to turn ugly. Amy was apparently asked to leave after she was caught taking drugs in the toilet. She then rounded up her friends and headed to her flat to continue the party. On her way there, she stopped off at a shop to stock up on disposable lighters.

Well, don’t think she can’t afford those Bics, because it was announced yesterday that she had entered the Sunday Times list of Britain’s wealthiest young millionaires with an estimated fortune of 20 million. However, the paper did not specify if that was 20 million dollars American, 20 million British pounds, or 20 million used syringes and scabs scattered around her apartment. But check out that 20 million dollar smile! Four out of five dentists agree that gingivitis is leading cause of tooth decay.

Tears of a clown: