Britney Spears Wants Brad Pitt
Source: yeeeah.com
Brit-Brit would lick Brad Pitt from head to feet because she’s fed up with K-Fed’s armpit.
My lyrics rule. I know.
One more pic after the jump.
Britney Spears is Fed Up With K-Fed
Source: yeeeah.com
Insiders say that Britney Spears has had it with the spend-happy ways of her husband Kevin Federline, aka “Spenderline”, and she has put the wannabe rapper on a budget.
“Each month, he will be allotted a certain amount of money for personal use - i.e., clothing, nightclubs, booze and day-to-day activities. Any big items - cars, or trips that go over allowance - need to be approved by Brit herself,” said one source. “She acknowledges she has made a great deal of money. However, she is trying to show Kevin that he needs to be responsible and curb his out-of-control spending habits.” Meanwhile, a source at the Four Seasons Hotel in Maui told us the two are still not getting along: “I was in the elevator with Britney, and she was screaming at K-Fed on her cellphone that she had waited in the suite all day for him to call and had been trying to reach him and couldn’t sit in there any longer.”
Poor Kevin! Being unemployed can have its downsides too.
An Unsolicited Letter Of Advice To Parfumiers
Source: agentbedhead.com
Ah…the scent of celebrity. It seems like so many famous folk either have their own perfume or are heading in that direction. What I’m trying to say here is that we’ve had enough of celebrities tossing their own uncultured olfactory palates into the bouillabaisse.. It pisses me off enough that my absolute favourite perfume, Elizabeth Arden’s Splendor, was recently discontinued, despite the fact that no other perfume has ever drawn so many compliments from even the least observant members of both sexes. In the search for a new Eau de Parfum spray, I am compelled to present my findings:
Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker: The package of this gorgeous perfume suggests a beautiful blend of mandarin, rosewood, girl next door glamour and a unique sense of style. Conjures up memories of Love’s Baby Soft, Rave extra-hold hairspray, jelly sandals, Kim Cattrall in Porky’s, and Freddy Fucking Kreuger.
Really Smells Like: Ass de Ferris Bueller
Curious by Britney Spears: Allegedly contains Louisiana magnolia touched with golden Anjou pear and dewy lotus flower, pink cyclamen, and vanilla-infused musk in rich, creamy sandalwood. An addictive aura for half-baked men with the munchies who cannot get it up otherwise.
Really Smells Like: A nauseating combination of gasoline restrooms, fake hair extensions, baby spitup, and second-hand pot smoke.
Glow by JLo: This captivating scent will lure them closer. The seductive, yet fresh fragrance combines bright citrus and floral notes with captivating vanilla and jasmine, in a manner suggestive of multiple relationships. Will cause you to find P.Diddy, Chris Judd, Ben Affleck, Marc Anthony, and some waiter guy as marriage material.
Really Smells Like: Something orangy combined with the floral undercurrent of wilting ladyflower.
Seekrit Agent Note: If the above illustrations haven’t yet convinced the makers of perfume to just stop now, then let’s run through some hypotheticals, shall we?
Escapemonos by Marc Anthony: Latino Mentiras de Amar del álbum del estallido con canciones como “Ahora Quien” y con Jennifer Lopez. Es rumered que el la Pena de Valio fue dedicado a Jennifer Lopez, y después de su relación con Dayanara y su amor undying para Jennifer Lopez, momentos antes que Jennifer Lopez terminó su relación con peines de Sean P.Diddy. Whatever.
Really Smells Like: Pinstriped suit playfully combined with this guy needs a bath.
Not A Teen Queen by Lindsay Lohan: Wearers exhibit dramatic weight loss and suffer severe attacks of “exhaustion.” Acts as a truth serum, compelling you to grant magazine interviews, wherein you will confess things that we already know. Causes paranoia that words will be “misused and misconstrued.”
Really Smells Like: Permanent marker on the nightclub’s restroom wall. You’ll want your boobs back.
Da Fuzball by Adam Sandler: Will give you the balls to sing crappy folk songs that the kids will love, though the tunes carry a vague anti-semitic undertone. That’s okay, because suddenly you’ll be Jewish too. Also will strengthen your medula oblongata. Projected to quench your thirst and taste better too.
Really Smells Like: H2O. Gatorate. H2O. Gatorade! It sucks. It really, really sucks.
I Married A Metro by Victoria Beckham: A feminine yet zesty blend of money-grubbing whore extract and skank nectar. This perfume will help you write a bestselling autobiography even though you’ve never read a book yourself. At least you’ll indirectly help her retain the title of Best-Looking Former Spice Girl.
Really Smells Like: David Beckham’s sweat, which ain’t so bad after all.
Fuck You All by Eminem: Despite the insistance that he this is the real Slim Shady, we just ain’t buying it. A satisfying blend of whipped cream, Rolos, sleeping medication, and authentic dirt from Eight Mile Road. Will help you make many enemies in a short amount of time, but at least you’ll have street cred.
Really Smells Like: Stupidity. You’ll marry your ex-wife if you try this crap.
Eiffel Tower by Tom Cruise: This perfume may cause you to become clinically insane, though you’ll deny all of it because psychiatry is a “pseudoscience,” and the term “chemical imbalance” describes a non-entity. This perfume is infused with the souls of thetans, vitamins, and virtual exercise and packaged with testimonials of dead Scientologists. One purchase of Eiffel Tower will earn you 50% off your first three auditing sessions and five minutes with an e-meter. This perfume does not smell gay at all.
Really Smells Like: Litigation and repressed homosexuality.
Published on March 10th, 2006
in Ask Agent Bedhead®, Britney Spears, Eminem, Lindsay Lohan, Perfumery, Posh and Becks, Sarah Jessica Parker, Spice Girls, Tom Cruise
Britney Spears is Psychedelic
Source: yeeeah.com
Britney Spears dresses up like it’s 1969. I wonder where she’s headed to. Woodstock, maybe.
KFed Sets The Record Straight
Source: agentbedhead.com
Yo homies! Get your ‘tudes in check - Kevin Federline is tired of people talking about him being such a terrible husband to Britney Spears. That poor fellow! It’s simply terrible that people allege such a horrible thing about him. Let us attempt to give the guy a little credit though. Concededly, the wannabe rapper has earned the following labels:
Filthy, opportunistic, money-grubbing, prostitute-visiting, pot-smoking, idiotic, untalented, stupid, worthless, inferior, third-rate, tawdry, cheesy, nickel-and-dime, useless, ineffectual, unproductive, unavailing, pointless, valueless, inadequate, deficient, insubstantial, hollow, petty, inconsequential, lame, paltry, pathetic, good-for-nothing, despicable, contemptible, ignominious, degenerate, shiftless, deadbeat, fool, ass, moron, imbecile, dopehead, chump, dimwit, loon, dork, jackass, numbskull, lamebrain, jerk, chowderhead, and schmuck.
Kevin Federline may be all these things, and he might need a shampoo even worse than Bono does - but hey, let’s not label the degenerate as a bad husband, nor should we call Britney Spears a brainless bimbette for marrying such a poor excuse for a man.
Separated at Birth: Britney Spears & the Mask
Source: yeeeah.com
Britney Spears celebrating Mardi Gras in New Orleans and the mask sitting next to her. What about them?
Britney Spears Begs Police for Help
Source: yeeeah.com
Britney Spears, the best mother ever, has called on California police to help her battle the paparazzi who follow her everywhere, but law officials told her there’s nothing they can do. She tells People magazine:
“I’ve pulled over and asked the cops, ‘Could you please help me? They’ve been driving recklessly back there.’ They say, ‘Sorry, ma’am, I can’t help you. This is how it is.’ I mean, Princess Diana got killed by one of these people. They’re crossing the line.”
Yeah, too bad Lady Di didn’t have a baby on her lap to serve as an airbag. Maybe she would have survived the car crash.
Kevin Federline is Proud to be Unemployed
Source: yeeeah.com
I looked at this picture for ten minutes before figuring out what the couple’s hand gesture meant. I first thought that they were flashing a victory sign but then I realized that Britney and Kevin hadn’t won anything recently. So I came to the conclusion that they were flashing the ‘U’ for unemployment sign.
Britney Spears Is A Dumbass And We Are All Surprised
Source: agentbedhead.com
Tsk tsk. What do we see here but Britney Spears travelling in a moving vehicle with an infant child in her lap?
Spears explains herself in an exclusive (translation: contractually bound) statement to the “false tabloid” itself, People magazine:
“Today I had a horrifying, frightful encounter with the paparazzi while I was with my baby. Because of a recent incident when I was trapped in my car without my baby by a throng of paparazzi, I was terrified that this time the physically aggressive paparazzi would put both me and my baby in danger. I instinctively took measures to get my baby and me out of harm’s way, but the paparazzi continued to stalk us, and took photos of us which were sold to the media. I love my child and would do anything to protect him.”
Obviously by the elevated level of Britney’s vocabulary, one can see that she was coached and can memorize a paragraph written by her lawyer. Yet I ask you what is more dangerous - a bunch of paparazzi with cameras or a free-floating child in an automobile travelling at breakneck speed?
Britney Spears is a Good Mom
Source: yeeeah.com
Britney Spears had the good idea of driving with her baby in her lap, probably to teach him how to drive. While this in an interesting idea, I don’t think his brain is already big enough to understand the mechanics of driving. But what I can say is that if Britney had a car crash, Sean Preston’s brain would look like fried eggs on the road. And not tasty ones. Oh, and please, don’t blame your stupid behavior on the paparazzi.
More pics after the jump.
Twenty-Five Things Worth Hating
Source: agentbedhead.com
Of course, due to the pernicious influence of David Letterman, I can only make a list that counts backwards….
25. Those fat guys, otherwise known as Jack Black and Michael Moore. Jack Black makes a career from bad music and ejaculation humour, and Michael Moore’s stardom stems mostly from his criticism of President Bush. How about some original ideas?
24. Romance novels, particularly the Harlequin series that features thematic covers including sheiks and sultans, women who marry rich men, pregnancies, men in uniform, falling for one’s kidnapper, or the like.
23. Gestures made by politicians intended to create a “Hey, he’s just like me” or “How sweet, he cares about me” sort of fuzzy feeling within voters, such as the Clintonesque One Thumb Up signal.
22. Movies longer than two hours, unless they are movies directed by either Kevin Smith or Quentin Tarentino.
21. Astroturf burns on one’s knees.
20. Extremism of either side of the political dichotomy, right or left, including but not limited to the following: feminazis, Christian coalition, feminazis, environmental tree-hugger whackos, communists, and militia men.
19. Poetry other than Leonard Cohen and Sylvia Plath. Any man that breaks out the Pablo Neruda should immediately lose his balls.
18. Reality television overload…especially the Donald Trump show, The Executive, plus various oddities which include shows about running a restaurant, life in the ER….it’s all rather sickening when people actually watch these.
17. All things Oprah Winfrey….also all things directly related to, derivative of, or otherwise unfortunate enough to be associated with her. Nuff said.
16. Self-help dating books, particularly The Rules, That Schmuck Dr. Phil’s Relationship Rescue, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, and Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff.
15. The following so-called celebrities: Bob Saget, Jon Lovitz, Joan and Melissa Rivers, Jessica & Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, and Dennis Rodman.
14. Icky bugs, including but not limited to the following: Fleas, ants, spickets, spiders, mosquitoes, ticks, gnats, centipedes, millipedes, scorpions, and chiggers.
13. When you accidentally step into a glob of sticky chewing gum. Even worse, when a new pair of pants gets ruined when one unwittingly sits down on a piece of it.
12. Drama Queens and Drama Kings.
11. Online dating sites in which the attractive women are comprised mostly of amateur porn stars and prostitutes. On these sites, the five attractive women in any given city who actually exist are the ones who must deal with the fury of those who do not get laid.
10. Corporate criminals, such as the Enron posse, who have yet to receive any substantial punishment besides the proverbial slap on the hand, whilst Martha Stewart gets sentenced to prison time largely because she failed to kiss the right asses.
9. Men who lust after barely-legal girls.
8. Huge weddings that cost anywhere from $4000 to $40,000, which turn into a virtual circus complete with engagement party, bridal shower, bridesmaids luncheon, bachelor and bachelorette parties, and rehearsal dinner. Ugh. Vegas baby, Vegas.
7. Traffic and all its side effects, such as headaches, roadrage, anxiety, wasted time and gasoline
6. The U.S. 1st Circuit Court of Appeals, for deciding in U.S. v. Councilman that email providers were allowed to read customers’ messages, and this did not violate the Wiretap Act.
5. Womanizers, especially those who pretend that they do not fall into this category.
4. Those who spread gossip and rumours or otherwise live vicariously off the successes and failures of others.
3. Liars, cheats, thieves, frauds, and anyone who allows or furthers commission of these evils.
2. Individuals who stay in romantic relationships despite the other party treating them badly, i.e., cheating, physical or emotional abuse. Even worse is when the weak-willed party believes that the cheating or abusive partner will somehow “change.”
1. Terrorism of any sort, international or domestic, of either the physical or cyber variety.
Sigh…and now Sadie feels sooooo much better.
Delusions of Grandeur.
Source: agentbedhead.com
Wow. We already surmised that Britney Spears isn’t very bright, but now the state of delusion can be added to that pop culture diagnosis. Sweet Brit has reportedly booked a deluxe suite at a hospital in Scottsdale, Arizona. In addition, Brit has ordered that all nurses will undergo background checks and that the nearby hospital rooms remain empty. Cuz, y’all, like, privacy is important.
The most amusing details of the planned soiree include Britney’s arrangements to make this a catered affair, which is about as silly her mandatory bouquets of white and yellow roses that shall adorn the room at every glance. Cuz, y’all, like, that will make the delivery less painful.
Hey, maybe Brit can even talk her pal Madonna into chanting Kabbalah throughout this birthapalooza! That would be groovy.
