Source: yeeeah.com

Jessica Alba finally cranked out her brown baby yesterday. Us Weekly says

Jessica Alba and her husband Cash Warren have welcomed a baby girl, [Honor Marie Warren]. She was born this weekend at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.

Eh, who cares. In way more interesting news, Disney’s “High School Musical” star Ashely Tisdale does NOT have the HIV virus. According to Nine MSN

[The] rumor that Ashley Tisdale tested positive to HIV is “completely untrue” says her rep.

Last week a number of online blogs reported that the 22-year-old High School Musical star contracted the virus during a rhinoplasty procedure in 2007… and [now suffers] from AIDS.

Good thing, because it’s pretty hard to make a joke about AIDS. Same goes for jokes about childhood cancers and burn victims. Luckily, making buck teeth and pulling back your eyelids while saying “Me so sowwy! Me likey flied lice!” is always a hit. Even better if you’re wearing a zany tie or a plastic flower that squirts water. Really, burn victims can’t get enough of that shit. Anything with water really seems to crank their tractors.

Very pregnant Alba at the Celebration of Mentoring May 20th:

Source: yeeeah.com

Reports are coming out of France that Angelina Jolie has already given birth to the twins. OK! Magazine reports

Entertainment Tonight claims to have confirmed reports of the birth of the Jolie-Pitt twins with a source close to the quickly expanding family. According to the rumors, the Oscar-winner gave birth on Sunday in a Catholic clinic in the Aix-En-Provence region of France.

Of course, these rumors are coming out of France, and France has been known to be wrong before. Like when they started Viet Nam War and invented pantalettes.

Pregnant Angie in Cannes earlier this month:

Source: www.yeeeah.com

It seems you can’t turn around these days without being slapped in the face with a celebrity placenta. Babies are 2008’s Birkin bag. And this weekend was no exception, with Us Weekly reporting that actress Halle Berry gave birth to a baby girl on Sunday. When asked for how she felt, Halle said, “Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I’m sorry. This moment is so much bigger than me. This moment is for every nameless, faceless woman of color that now has a chance because this door tonight has been opened. I’m so honored to be the vessel for which His blessing might flow.” And then the collective world rolled its eyes and sighed and yelled “You just got yo’ ass knocked up by a white boy, ya big dummy!” In my experience, the collective world sounds a lot like Fred Sanford.

Halle in Santa Monica on Friday:

Source: www.yeeeah.com

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are hosting a $200,000 ‘Welcome to the World’ (their words, not mine) party to celebrate the birth of Jennifer Lopez’s and Marc Anthony’s twins. According to Female First

A source said: “Tom and Katie are thrilled for Jennifer and Marc and have offered to throw a Welcome to the World bash for the twins next month.” The party at Tom and Katie’s Los Angeles home will have a pink and blue theme and guests expected to attend include John Travolta, Eva Longoria Parker and David and Victoria Beckham.

With a price tag of 200 grand, you can expect plenty of super-fun Scientology party games like “Pin the Repressed Memory on the E-Meter,” “How Many Invisible Thetans in This Jar?” and my personal favorite, “Silent Musical Chairs.” It’s sure to be a very un-glib time for everyone involved!

Source: yeeeah.com

Jennifer “Chins” Lopez finally gave birth this morning to twins — a boy and a girl. According to People Magazine

The babies were born early Friday in Long Island, N.Y. The girl was born at 12:12 a.m. and weighed 5 lbs. 7 oz., and the boy followed at 12:23 a.m., weighing 6 lbs. “Jennifer and Marc are delighted, thrilled and over the moon,” [says] Lopez’s manager.

I bet the nurses promptly doused the twins with tabasco and rolled them in peppercorn so Marc Anthony wouldn’t gobble them down the first chance he got. Trolls don’t care for the muy picante. That’s why you’ll never find any trolls eating Indian people. In fact, the only thing a troll hates more than a spicy baby is a baby covered in Marshmallow Peeps and coconut, which is why Easter is actually one of the most troll-free holidays around. It also explains why you never see Kirsten Dunst swinging an basket full of brightly colored eggs and candy anywhere she goes. You can’t argue with the facts, man.

Source: www.yeeeah.com

Look out, Heidi Fleiss — there’s a new pimp in town, and her name’s Jennifer Lopez! Our Jenny from the Block has reportedly scheduled her c-section around the weekly tabloids’ deadlines, ensuring she and her new babies land the front covers of all the gossip mags. Pimp hard, pimp harder! MSNBC reports

J.Lo will be receiving two special valentines: namely, her twin babies, who are [scheduled for delivery] on Thursday, Feb. 14. A source close to Lopez said Valentine’s Day is the date she’s been focused on since the beginning of her pregnancy. “She didn’t just like it because of the obvious correlation, which is sweet, but [because] it … would easily make the deadline for the weekly magazine covers.”

The source said that Lopez [wants] to have the first photo shoot in one of the three nurseries she’s had designed by Petit Tresor. “She spent over $120,000 on them,” said the source. All of them include cribs, changing tables and armoires imported from France and England, “some [with] 18 karat gold on the legs and knobs. The rooms will even have crystal chandeliers.”

The good thing about twins is there’s two of them, which means twice as many locks of hair and placentas and fingernail clippings to sell on eBay. But don’t think the pimpin’ stops after the birth. Oh, no. By the time they’re teenagers, J. Lo’s going to be drawing track marks on her son’s arms with an eyeliner pencil and stuffing a pillow up her daughter’s shirt and then pimping them out to highest bidder. “No, no, no — you gotta look pregnant! Now Marc, Jr., wait for the photographers to show and then put that cigarette out on your arm. Can you make yourself throw up? Dammit, hijitos, the tabloids don’t pay for pictures of straight-A students! You got to give ‘em some scandal! Did you remember to take off your panties, Princesa? Now go on, git! And make mama proud!” I’d say they’ve got a good twenty or so years before they’re of no use to mommy’s bank account.

Pimpa Licious at the Marchesa show on Wednesday:

Source: yeeeah.com

Lots of celebrities gave birth over the weekend, including actress Courtney Thorne-Smith and “In Living Color’s” David Allen Grier’s wife. Who and who? Exactly. Now, for the Hollywood pregnancies you were actually aware of:

First up — Nicole Richie. People magazine says

Nicole Richie and her rocker boyfriend Joel Madden are the parents of a daughter. Harlow Winter Kate Madden was born Friday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center and weighed 6 lbs. 7 oz.

Christina Aguilera also pooped¹ one out over the weekend. People magazine says

Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman welcomed a baby boy on Saturday at 10:05 p.m. Max Liron Bratman [weighed] 6 lbs., 2 oz. and 20.5 inches [and] arrived late on Saturday night in L.A.

I’d bet that Max is gonna grow up to be a real looker, what with Dad’s imaginary chin and Mommy’s spackle-and-pancake complexion. He’d probably have just as much luck in the gene department with Amanda Lepore and Wimpy from Popeye for parents. On the plus side, ought to have a built-in role as a young Boy George in E!’s made for TV movie “Karma Chameleon:The Many Colors of George Alan O’Dowd.”

¹_{Not a typo. Have you seen the birthing process? Yikes.}

Christina and husband five days before the birth:

Source: yeeeah.com

“So NoTORIous” star Tori Spelling gave birth to a baby boy yesterday. People magazine reports:

Tori Spelling and husband Dean McDermott welcomed their first child together, a son, on Tuesday. Liam Aaron McDermott, who was born in a Los Angeles hospital, weighed 6 pounds, 6 ounces, according to the couple’s rep. Spelling’s mother Candy Spelling was at the hospital. The baby arrived just as the new mother is reconciling with her own mom after a long estrangement.

Nothing like the birth of a grandchild to bring a family back together again. Or the winning of a lottery, or the kidnapping of a couple of underage girls. Blessed be the tie that binds!

Source: yeeeah.com

I’m sure you already marked your calendars, but in case it somehow slipped your mind — Kevin Federline’s birthday is just around the corner! Make sure you’re sitting down, ladies, because there’s a chance you and your friends could party hardy with the Pimp Daddy Playa himself. Squeal! From Search With Kevin.com:

Party Like a Celebrity at Kevin Federline’s Private Birthday Bashes in Los Angeles & Vegas! You search the web every day, now you can win ultra VIP party invites doing it. Kevin Federline is offering fans who search the web at www.searchwithkevin.com an exclusive chance to win tickets to his private birthday bashes in Los Angeles (March 21) and Las Vegas (March 24).

Each day a handful of winning times are chosen at random. If you do the first search after this selected time, you win a prize or sweepstakes entry - instantly. The more sweepstakes entries you earn, the better chance you have of winning the grand prize party tickets. www.searchwithkevin.com requires no registration. Simply use www.searchwithkevin.com every day just like you would use any search engine. Sweepstakes and instant prize winners are selected every few hours. The 10 grand prize winners (+ guests) will be announced on March 19th. 25 runner-up winners will also receive autograph photos, while T-shirts will be awarded as ‘instant-win’ prizes. Contest winners need to provide their own travel and accommodations. See www.searchwithkevin.com for rules and regulations.

Well, it’s worth it for the K-Fed t-shirt alone. Probably a wife beater with pit stains, perfect for snuggling on a cold winter’s night. And autographed pictures, too! Your bird cage might need a new liner, and K-Fed’s face is much more “off the chain” than plain old newspaper. And it’s always nice to spread out something for guests to wipe their feet on. Great for starting a fire, too. And what about target practice? With all these great possibilities — not to mention the chance to meet the Daddy Mack himself — I don’t see how you could not play to win. It practically gives itself away, like sunshine on a cloudy day or gonorrhea.

Source: yeeeah.com

Douchebag extraordinaire Brandon Davis stayed true to form by making a complete ass of himself at Paris Hilton’s birthday bash last week. TMZ reports:

Brandon “Greasy Bear” Davis did himself proud once again at Paris Hilton’s party Saturday night by throwing flowers at Paula Abdul, who was supposed to sing “Happy Birthday” to Paris. Then, [he threw] the flower-holders. And finally, after asking Paula to “lick my [bleep],” he mocked her by talking in a fake-Arabic accent. Then, Brandon [grabbed] Courtney Love and [told] her, “I want to squirt on you,” never minding that Courtney’s young daughter was right there.

This guy makes Casanova seem like a bumbling idiot. Really, I can barely keep my legs together while reading this, it’s so hot. “I want to squirt on you?” You just don’t get any more debonair than that. That’s almost as romantic as the time that guy rooting in the garbage behind the Circle K told me he’d like to punch me in the kitty and spooge on my turd-cutter. I said almost as romantic. Geez. Not everyone can be a fucking Romeo, you know.

Source: yeeeah.com

In completely non-Britney Spears or Anna Nicole Smith related news, actress Marcia Cross gave birth to twin daughters yesterday. People magazine reports:

The girls, Eden and Savannah, who were born at a Los Angeles hospital, are the first children for the Desperate Housewives actress, 44, and her stockbroker husband Tom Mahoney, 49, who married in June 2006. “Mother and babies are all doing well,” says Cross’s rep.

You’ll notice her rep didn’t mention the twins being human babies. That’s because they aren’t. I was on a bus to Toledo this one time and got abducted by aliens, the largest and most disturbing of whom happened to be Marcia Cross. I know it was her. There’s no mistaking all that forehead and insectan eyes and vein-riddled skin. She’s not really a red-head, you know. She’s bald as Britney fucking Spears, and I set out to prove it once and for all last year. I hid on the set of “Desperate Housewives” until she was alone and then ambushed her while she was in the bathroom — I kicked in the stall door and screamed “Your secret is out, sister!” while lifting her off the toilet in one swift motion. My plan was foiled, though, when that Felicity Huffman lumbered in and beat the living hell out of me with one of her boat-sized shoes. I still don’t have any feeling in the left side of my face. I’m pretty sure Felicity’s not an alien, though. She just happens to have a spare penis and a set of balls, which is really more “genetic anomaly” than “extraterrestrial.”

Source: yeeeah.com

The only people who bothered coming to Paris Hilton’s birthday bash in Vegas were midgets and those of the Capra inclination. Page Six reports:

Hollywood A-listers shunned celebutard Paris Hilton’s 26th birthday at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Vegas. “There were no names there except for [sister] Nicky Hilton and Nicole Richie,” said our source. But even without many boldfaces, things at the after-party at the Penthouse Suite got a little odd. After downing TY KU liquor and bottles of Dom Perignon, guests reported seeing Hilton play with a monkey while a band of midgets led a pack of goats around the room.

Boy, she sure makes that Caligula seem like a fucking amateur, doesn’t she? I once knew this dude who liked to get off by rubbing his face with a live cat while you stomped on his ballsac in stiletto heels. True story. He certainly paid handsomely for it. And, for the record, it doesn’t count as bestiality because I never touched the cat. So let me just stop you right there and artfully steer the conversation elsewhere by pointing out the weird circular bruises all over Paris’ chest. It reminds me of the time I took a Hoover to my neck in the seventh grade to make hickeys because I read somewhere that only sluts have hickeys and everybody knows that boys like sluts. That’s certainly a possibility. Although “getting punched and kicked in the sternum by someone wearing a circular boot because you’re a useless fucking twat” also seems entirely probable. It’s anybody’s guess, really.

More of Paris’ unexplained bruises after the jump.