Source: www.derekhail.com

Yea, sory for getting your hopes up, but this “Gone Wild” issue of GQ does not feature the Victoria Secret Angels showering and rubbing themselves down or lezzing it up with each other.  It doesn’t feature Marisa Miller saying “It’s my first tiiiiime!”, or Izabel Goulart flashing her breasts at the camera while completely wasted.  This has to be false advertising.

Source: www.derekhail.com

I guess all the guys are still pissed that Adriana Lima is now engaged because there was barely any of them at one of her autograph signings. I’m guessing it took place during the day when the men go to work and the women go to the mall and waste the mens’ money.  You know, what else do women do during the day?  Sew?  Cook?  Lesbian Pillow Parties?  I’m going to go with all of the above.

Source: www.derekhail.com

Marco Jaric must have spent his whole paycheck buying Adriana Lima her ring because let’s face it, he’s not that good a basketball player.  The reason?  He’s a 6′5 white dude.  Basically his whole career will be overshadowed by the fact that he landed the most desired woman on the planet.  Good work Jaric.

Source: www.derekhail.com

Marco Jaric must have spent his whole paycheck buying Adriana Lima her ring because let’s face it, he’s not that good a basketball player.  The reason?  He’s a 6′5 white dude.  Basically his whole career will be overshadowed by the fact that he landed the most desired woman on the planet.  Good work Jaric.

Source: www.derekhail.com

Adriana Lima is on top of the world right now.  She’s one of the sexiest women on the planet, she’s engaged to a mediocre NBA player, and it looks like she’s just heard the world’s funniest joke.  It has to be the best joke ever because it’s turned her into a rabid chipmunk.  Or a giggling asian woman.  I can’t tell.  Pick whichever one is less offensive and run with it.

Source: www.celebritysmackblog.com

• Naomi Campbell’s drunk ass was photographed on the Italian Isle of Capri the other night. She was so wasted she couldn’t even stand up! Naomi, 38, was seen being caught by an unknown female in the middle of a street with other party goers surrounding her. Now Campbell’s publicist is insisting that the evil supermodel was not intoxicated, instead she says Naomi was playing a “trust game” where you fall back into your friend’s arms. Yes, the same game you played in elementary school. The not-very-smart publicist said, “It was just a bit of fun and not down to drink. Naomi was playing this trust game, where you fall into a friend’s arms. It’s very hot there, so that could also have had something to do with it.” Someone hit that bitch upside the head with a blackberry..

• Sorry boys, Victoria’s Secret hottie, Adrianna Lima, 27, is engaged to Minnesota Timberwolves basketball star Marko Jaric, 29.
  Jaric’s publicist confirmed the news saying, “He asked and she said yes. They are both incredibly happy and couldn’t be more in love.”
  Jaric said in March, “I was not the person to fall in love easily. I am a difficult person from that standpoint. Now, it’s a little different situation.”
  The couple have been dating for four months.

• Coldplay singer and husband to Gwyneth Paltrow, Chris Martin, walked out of a recorded BBC interview nine minutes into it. He was asked whether his new album, Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends, was a morbid reflection of the band’s lyrical obsession with death. For some reason he didn’t fancy that question. “I wouldn’t agree with you there at all, no,” said Martin. “I’d say you’re journalistically twisting me into saying something I don’t really mean.” The band’s drummer, Will Champion, was left to answer questions until Martin got over himself and returned for one last question about their music moving in a different direction, to which he replied, “Um..yes. Yes, yes. Exactly.”

• Angelina Jolie’s father, Jon Voight, will join the cast of ‘24′ as he has landed the role of the villainous nemesis of Kiefer sutherland’s character, Jack Bauer. This is Voight’s first series role in 40 years. The character will be introduced during “24’s” two-hour Season 7 prequel and will be featured heavily in the latter half of the season. The prequel, now shooting on location in South Africa, is slated to air Nov. 23, with Season 7 of the Imagine TV/20th TV-produced series kicking off in January.

Source: www.derekhail.com

Now before you start bitching that I am insane to even mention the words “fat” and “Adriana Lima” in the same sentence, take a few things into account.  First, Adriana’s mom is a heffer so it’s in her blood.  Second, Brazilian women either stay really hot forever or go downhill fast once they hit 30 (I base this on a study I did when I looked through a Brazilian Magazine for 15 minutes.  It was a very thorough study).  And Finally, I don’t care what you think so shut it.  Adriana Lima does look like she’s put on a few.  Nothing to go crazy about but I just like to point these things out.  C’man, looking at her face you can kind of catch a hint of a double chin.

Source: www.drunkenstepfather.com

These are some pictures from the February issue of Esquire that I am probably not legally allowed to post and will probably be getting a lawyers letter to take down because that’s how the internet works now that big corporations realize that it’s not just a place for virgins and losers looking for love and acceptance. Unfortunately at this website it is just a place for losers and virgins looking for love and acceptance and I feel like the ring leader, which would probably lead a normal person to jumping off a high rise, it leads me to feeling like I have a purpose and have found love and acceptance….just not in the supermodel form, which is what I originally set out to get when I started this site, because I know supermodels have nothing better to do than surf for the lamest celebrity blog out there and fall in love with the person who writes it badly because from what I’ve been told supermodels are big readers as long as the book doesn’t have too many words and and comes in the form of TV and cocaine.

Enough about me, here are those Lima half naked pictures that you should use to remind yourself that as long as you read this site, this is the closest you’ll get to a girl that looks anything like this…or any girl for that matter and it kinda makes me feel awkward that you chose me over pussy, but I am pretty confident you didn’t have much choice in the matter.

Bonus Adriana Lima in a Bikini When She Was 15 to Show You Where It All Started….Pervert…

Source: www.derekhail.com

When there is nothing going on, what better way to waste an afternoon than looking at 3 year old pictures of Adriana Lima?  I mean it was either this or news about Lindsay Lohan wearing a brown wig.  Wigs are really hard to joke about, unless it’s a wig on a midget…but then again anything on a midget is hilarious.

Source: www.drunkenstepfather.com

I’ve been getting a lot of slack for not being a site that is accessible to girls. They get turned off because of my sleazy commentary offends them and they never come back, even though every post I write is for hot chicks, because if I wasn’t trying to get hot girls to love me over the internet, I’d just be a fag trying to impress a bunch of dudes and that’s not really my thing, but I know it’s your thing, but that’s because you gotta fine love somewhere and gay dudes are pretty horny.

So I got an email asking for Nell and my stepdaughter to come back because they added a much needed feminine voice to the site. I don’t know where either of those girls are, they kinda fucked off on me and haven’t answered my emails in the last couple months, so I figured I’d just write a post as a girl in hopes of getting hot girls back in because I want them to want my dick over the internet and come back for more everyday because I write about celebrities….and girls love celebrities and I love girls, so we’re pretty much destined to have you take a shower for me on webcam, internet soulmate.

Here is my post written as a girl:

blah blah blah blah “adjusts hair”, blah blah blah “applies make up”, blah blah blah “shows off new nails” , blah blah blah “makes a gesture representing how big the boyfriend’s cock is”, blah blah blah “giggles”, blah blah blah “giggles some more”, blah blah blah “adjusts bra”, blah blah blah “hugs girl i’m sitting with”, blah blah blah “stands up”, blah blah blah “pulls underwear out of ass and adjusts pants”, blah blah blah “walks out of coffee shop”

I am sure this post would have been a little more believable if I actually listened to girls when they talk, but I’m too masturbating my limp penis in front of them while staring at their tits and drooling through the restaurant window. I hear hot girls are into that because they like to be noticed….

Either way, here are Adriana Lima and Marisa Miller in the Fitting Room for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show that’s been hustled the last month like it was the coming of Christ, which to some virgins and married middle aged men out there, it probably is, because these bitches are some of the hottest models around and them in lingerie is better than them in clothes but not quite as good as them taking showers for me on webcam. I’m talking to you internet soulmate.

Marisa Miller

Adriana Lima:

Source: www.drunkenstepfather.com

Here’s a big surprise for you, I had no idea that the Victoria’s Secret fashion show was going down last night because I am bad at this shit and generally don’t really care about shit that’s going on. So it was a morning email surprise and now I have a ton of pictures of the event to share with you, so you don’t have to watch the shit when it hits your TV later in the year, or whenever the fuck they air them because your mom will probably be watching them too, and it’s always embarrassing getting a boner with your mom on the couch next to you.

Either way I usually feel like a virgin faggot when I finish writing a post on cleavage or hot asses, because I am more into creeping on girls in real life than writing shit about celebrities I don’t care about on the internet, but the difference in this post is that I do care. I have a thing for Bikini and Lingerie models that you probably understand and have made a point in my life to marry one. Since that never worked out for me I’ve always dated half-rate, discount, bargain basements, last weeks kitchen garbage, versions of bikini models, because let’s face it, my wife would have it going on if she got Gastric Bypass, lost 200 lbs and got surgery to remove the excess skin that left huge scars and stretch marks all over her body, breast implants and maybe even a new face and time machine that turned her 25 again….so in a lot of ways I guess I am dating a Lingerie/Bikini model, I just don’t know it because I am too negative to see what I have before my eyes because she’s fucking disgusting lookin….when if I look really deep, beneath all that disgusting is a hot girl suffocating to death….

Bonus - Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham and Geri “Ginger Spice” Haliwell Performing at Half Time…..

Source: www.drunkenstepfather.com

I guess the best thing about the Victoria’s Secret Angels flying Virgin Airlines, is how many virgins jerk off to their pictures everyday. Yes, I am talking to you.

Speaking of talking, I was trying to seduce some model who is in Tampax commercials that I came across on the internet, because I feel like despite having the shittiest website on the internet, models in Tampax commercials should try to get all the free publicity they can get, even if it means letting me watch them shower on webcam to reachout to 6 masturbating dudes, so I figured I’d ask her on a date, not that I’d ever leave my house, but it felt like she’d respond better than asking for nude pics, as I often do and never get. When she rejected me I wrote this:

You weren’t going on a date with me regardless, because I don’t do dates, they are a waste of time, and I don’t leave my house, but I used to fuck wannabe models and they were also a waste of time, but at least I get to see them doing things they wouldn’t want their father seeing, unless they were from a dirty family….which sometimes happens because I met them at the bus stop and they were teenage runaways, who weren’t really wannabe models, but didn’t seem to mind the camera when they were sleeping….

She never responded. Either way, marrying a lingerie or bikini model’s always been a dream of mine that I kind of fell short on, like I have with most of my dreams. I never thought I’d end up with someone you’d think would be a good spokesperson for Dunkin’ Donuts, until we got our rejection letter from them because despite bitch being a great customer, her morbid obesity takes away from the message they are trying to get out to young mother’s on the go. Apparently fat doesn’t sell, but it does kill, just not fast enough, not that I want her dead, but it’d be a nice vacation….but not as nice as one on a plane with these bitches, because I hear there are no laws once you’re off the ground….and exposing myself vagina shaped penis, because I am an inny not an outty and that would be the best way to convince them that I am one of them and that they can trust me enough to show me their vaginas and let me watch them pee. When I do it in the park, I always seem to get in trouble.