Source: www.celebritysmackblog.com
Well, bitches, I promised you a nice little cap on 2007, and I won’t disappoint. This is Shark’s Feeding Frenzy 07! You ever see one of those? Here’s the def straight from Wikipedia;
“Feeding frenzy is an ecological term used to describe a situation where oversaturation of a supply of food leads to rapid feeding by predatory animals. For example, a large school of fish can cause nearby sharks to enter a feeding frenzy.”
Now you know you’ve made it when your picture is next to the word in the dictionary. In this case, it’s a glut of celeb crap that deserves to be dealt with in a manner befitting… ME. BTW, I also looked up ‘feeding frenzy’ on YouTube, and they had this video. The music was perfect, and it’s now my theme song. Check it out:
YouTube - ‘Feeding Frenzy’
And now for the main event. Tie down all loose objects.
For the new year, I’m making a firm resolution not to watch a single reality show. I am SO F**KING SICK OF IT. They all look like bastard sons of the Jerry Springer show. And now we’re supposed to get hammered with more of it because of the writer’s strike. Considering that the producers are a bunch greedy fucks anyway, I say we boycott all of it so they all lose their jobs and have to go back to selling used cars.
Funny how we don’t hear about Anna Nicole Smith anymore. Being dead will do that to you. That was definitely the celebrity shocker of the year. I found out about it when I was on vacation in Austria, and I remember just being stunned. Now that everyone’s pretty much picked over her carcass, all I hope is that Larry Birkhead + Dannielynn have a great life, and that I never have to hear about Howard K. Stern again.
I took care of Britney Spears two weeks early, and you all know where I stand. I’m only saying something here because I’m recapping everything 07, and she was the biggest loser of the year. I say we all just ignore her for 08, so that she fades away. I’m done wasting space on you, Brit.
Hey, can everyone stop getting knocked up in 08? Damn. Just one year. Can we all try to make that happen? I know babies are cute and all, but they grow up to be assholes like the rest of us.
07 seemed like the year that everyone got fucked up, went to rehab, sobered up for a day, found God, then fell off the wagon even harder, probably talking to the porcelain god more often than the real one. Here’s a great way to stay off drugs; DON’T START. It works for me. It’s also a great resolution; stay clean, guys. You can’t hit the bull’s-eye when you can’t see it.
I’m noticing a real disturbing trend here, and it’s called second-hand fame. You know, the Dina Lohans of the world, who try to get famous on their own merits once they’ve ridden someone else’s coattails up to that point. Riley Giles, you sure snowboarded all over Lindsay’s coattails, now get a life.
This sure was the year for people to lose their careers because they didn’t know how to shut up. Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, Don Imus, Dog Chapman, Isaiah Washington; did I leave anyone out? There’s enough backpedaling with those guys to power Cleveland for a day or two.
Ellen, why would you adopt dogs in the first place when you’re into the pussy?
Hogan Knows Best, huh? Could’ve fooled me.
Some of you may wonder why I haven’t exiled Nick Hogan by now. I understand, guys, and one of these days I’ll do the deed, but he makes the greatest punching bag right now, and with criminal charges on his head, I’ve got a front row seat.
That brings me to the 07 special edition of the exile room. I feel like an upgrade today. Let’s have them WALK THE PLANK. Right into the feeding frenzy you saw on the video above. Alright, boys, let’s take care of business!
Prince, you are first up. You know, I used to be a fan. Then you tested my patience with all that ‘symbol’ BS. Then going Jehovah’s Witness on us. I’m really not buying it, pal. If you really mean it, take all your royalties from Darling Nikki and send them to the Watchtower. Put your money where your dirty mouth is. Then came the capper; getting copyright paranoia. Suing a large entity for infringement is one thing, but going after fansites and suburban Moms making home vids of their kids dancing to your music… What’s the matter, P? The well running dry? Yeah, in more ways than one. Looks like lightning has a better chance of striking than inspiration does. Wishful thinking on my part. I called for a boycott, and I won’t back down. You have outlived your usefulness, so Prince, YOU ARE EXILED!!! Start walking until I hear the splashdown.
Brandon Davis, we are having a greased pig roast just for you. Grandson of an oil baron, huh? Too bad you’ve pissed away your birthright. You can only get so far in Tinseltown with Paris Hilton as your only reference. You are what an old friend would call a useless piece of protoplasm. Well, I’m not having you walk the plank because I don’t want another Exxon Valdez. Brandon Davis, you are not only EXILED, you are being skewered over the pit.
Janice Dickinson. This is gonna be sweet. JD, back in the 70’s, you were a fine little bitch. You are living proof that looks get old no matter how much you nip + tuck. Carving out a niche for one’s self takes on a whole new meaning. Your attitude stinks like your worn-out snatch. Now I’m not the biggest Tyra Banks fan, but she’s the only reason you’re even in the public eye right now, you ungrateful bitch. I’ve never seen a Joan Rivers wanna-be quite like you. BTW, the first supermodel was Twiggy, and at least she had some class. Even Gia beat you to the punch. You want to be miserable, well, do it on your own fucking time. Janice Dickinson, you are EXILED!!!
File this one under ‘delusional f**khead of the year’; Dustin Diamond. Someone who is more hated than Paris Hilton and Johnny Fairplay COMBINED. Someone who made us forget that he used to be Screech, and how we all look back now and wonder what happened to that nice guy. Did anyone buy that sex tape of yours, besides the same shitheads that bought your t-shirts to help you save your house? Since being on Celebrity Fit Club, your phone must be ringing off the hook. With threats of one kind or another. I would’ve paid money to see Harvey just tear your ass apart. Well, I don’t hear any bells saving your sorry ass, and I’m about to foreclose on your house AND your smug mug. Dustin Diamond, you are EXILED!!!
You know the biggest disappointment of 2007 for me is this; not only did no one keep any resolutions, most of them said F*CK IT and didn’t make any resolutions to begin with. That’s the way it felt. That’s why I’m here to help. I’m swimming the extra mile on this one; I’m making resolutions for some of my favorite bitches, so they can quit being lazy and have some goals in life. Don’t say I never did anything for you.
Amy Winehouse, your resolution is to just keep doing what you’re doing. You are on the fast track to becoming the Anna Nicole Smith of 08, and it looks like you’ve pulled out all the stops.
Axl Rose, your resolution is to release Chinese Democracy and call it the biggest anti-climax since Britney lost her cherry.
Hulk Hogan, your resolution is to cut off everyone’s money and see if they can survive. Sort of like when a boat capsizes and the poor bastards have to swim like maniacs when they see me circling. Seeing their reactions is half the fun.
Danny Bonaduce, your resolution is to take a COLD shower, keep your clothes on, take a big bong hit and mellow the fuck out.
Lindsay Lohan, your resolution is to go back to red or brunette (all the way down), get married to Samantha, and shake Dina + Michael off your coattails. The Parent Trap, indeed.
Ann Coulter, your resolution is to keep being yourself so I can have a reason to keep hating you.
Barbra Streisand, your resolution is to retire before I do it for you.
Bruce Willis, your resolution is to stop making movies long enough to become a has-been.
Dane Cook, your resolution is to get a sense of humor.
Natalie Portman, Hayden P, Michelle Rodriguez, and any other hot actress that’s bi-curious, your resolution is to fulfill that idea with the cameras rolling.
Mariah Carey, your resolution is to NOT make an album this year. Give my ears a rest.
Megan Fox, your resolution is to stop talking about Brian. The rest of us would like to pretend he doesn’t exist.
To anyone I left out, your resolution is to be a little less boring. Heh. My resolution? To piss off a celeb so badly that I get name-checked in the news. That would be fun. Until then, guys, have a great 08, and if you go out partying tonight, think about getting a hotel room somewhere nearby instead of driving home wasted. Whatever it costs, it beats the cost of a DUI or an accident. Later!
—–Shark—–
