Source: agentbedhead.com

Saturday’s nearly half finished, and I almost let it slip by without noticing that it’s the third annual Steve Guttenberg Day. I seriously doubt this holiday is observed anywhere outside the confines of Johnny Awesome’s website, but it’s a worthy idea and we ought to do what we can to propagate the meme. The Swass Report has several helpful hints on how to mark the occasion, but amazingly enough watching Can’t Stop the Music is never even suggested. Major, major oversight. That movie marks a ne plus ultra in some hitherto unimagined direction that not even the Gutte himself has ever been able to surpass.

Source: yeeeah.com

Lindsay Lohan has made a new enemy out of the chauffeur who found her missing Hermes bag earlier this month. The overpriced purse was returned to her with her million dollar’s worth of jewelry, her asthma medicine, and probably her sizable stash of cocaine intact, but Lindsay didn’t bother to send a thank-you note or a make gracious phone call to the driver. He told Page Six:

“They haven’t gotten back to me. Not a word. [Lindsay]… was pleased to get the bag back – it was full of diamonds and bracelets and necklaces. But it’s really disappointing. I’d like to hear from her with maybe just a ‘thanks very much.’ Her people took my address and phone number and said they’d be in touch. I know these stars need a good looking-after, but she could have easily just spoke to me on the phone.”

Lohan’s publicist Leslie Sloane Zelnik’s response to her client’s egregious social faux-pas? Accusing the chaffeur of wanting “free publicity using Lindsay’s name,” of course. I know that the driver was kind enough to return the bag; I just hope he was smart enough to take a dump in it first. Ungrateful cooze.

Meanwhile, Lohan’s attempted reconciliation with Paris Hilton was lost on sister Nicky, who walked over to Lindsay with Brandon Davis at the Teen Vogue party at the Sunset Tower and yelled,

“Let’s make up. We don’t want to fight anymore . . . firecrotch! Hahahahahaha!”

Hahahahahahahaha! Firecrotch! Psych! I’m currently in the process of making my own “Everybody Hates Lindsay Lohan” club, and the chauffeur and Nicky Hilton just joined the ranks. Naturally, there will be some hazing and some club dues and stuff, but it’ll all work itself out in the end. And it’s gonna be awesome. I have a kick-ass treehouse with a rope swing and everything, and I made several life size posters of the firecrotch that we can all draw moustaches on. And I tricked out my ten-speed and made a sign that says “No Lindsay Lohan Allowed” with a big circle with a line through it. Yeah, it’s pretty cool. I bet you wish you had thought of it first.

Source: yeeeah.com

Before I get a slew of frothy comments telling me what a stupid jealous bitch I am, let me say first that I do think Jessica Alba is pretty. That said, it’s amazing what a little makeup does for a girl, because I wouldn’t have given this chick a sideways glance if I saw her walking past me in the airport. Well, maybe I would, to make fun of that lame-ass ball cap, but not because she looks hot or anything.

More pics of a remarkably plain Alba after the jump.

Source: yeeeah.com

Britney Spears has axed her longtime publicist Leslie Sloane-Zelnick and commandeered her own public relations campaign, according to World Entertainment Network News.

Sloane-Zelnick, who is also Lindsay Lohan’s publicist, has been on hiatus since early September — you might remember the awesome job Britney did on her self-managed Today Show interview in which she chomped on gum, made finger quotes about seventeen times, and spilled her copious flesh out of a too-small skirt and top.  Britney’s first PR attempt sans-publicist has been to negotiate with People magazine for the exclusive rights to the first photos of new son Sutton Pierce.

I can see why she’d want to 86 her publicist and take over her public image herself, because she’s done such a terrific job of it these last few months.  The brillilantly executed joke about her misplacing Sean Preston at the VMA’s; the Harpaar’s Bazaar naked pregnancy photo shoot; her douchebag husband’s burgeoning rap career — I really think that Britney is on the fast track to reclaiming her status as a sex symbol pop star.  And by “fast track” I mean “the dirt road behind the Dairy Queen,” and by “sex symbol pop star” I mean “fat hillbilly laughingstock.” 

Source: yeeeah.com

Jessica Biel showed up at the premiere of the new Godiva Gold Collection wearing what I assume to be an inflatable tent. At first I was puzzled as to why one who prides herself on being so fit would have chosen to wear such a body-obscuring coat, but then I came across the following picture and it all made sense.

It’s because Jessica Biel is a man, baby!

It would be really hard to find an adequate body double for Jessica in a movie. Maybe Iryna Sekachova, who threw the hammer for the Ukraine in the 2004 Olympics, could do it. I also considered Ravishing Rick Rude or that horse that got rabies down at the Dettweiler farm. That thing is ripped.

More pictures of the she-beast after the jump.

Source: www.derekhail.com

Hilary Swank, star of “Million Dollar Baby,” recently went to a CD store to buy some CDs with her 100 dollar gift certificate. Her total came to $99.58. Instead of leaving with her merchandise in a timely manner, she decided to hold up the line for her remaining $0.42 cents. According to Bang Show Biz,

“She had only spent $99.58 so the cashier rang up her purchases and then gave her a gift certificate for 42 cents. Hilary asked if she could have the change in actual coins instead.The manager had to be called to reopen the cash register, holding up the queue, and Hilary kept complaining about the inconvenience having to wait was causing her.
“But she still hung on for her 42 cents.”

I’m not a big-shot movie star and I can’t even make myself wait for any change what so ever. However I have a good reason. The jingling in my pockets prevents me from sneaking around with my other ninja friends.

Source: www.derekhail.com

I wished for Anna Nicole Smith to be completely vacant from today’s news, but she managed to disappoint me completely. Reports are now confirming that she actually did not marry Howard K. Stern. She merely exchanged vows. According to People, they

“Made a commitment before God to be there for one another, to be each other’s strength during this difficult time.

“Although the ceremony was officiated, it was not a wedding and no marriage certificate was issued.”

I don’t even know what the hell “commitment before god” means. Altough I don’t claim to be a religious expert and historian, I’m pretty sure people who use to be a Playboy model are not allowed to commit to God. Unless ofcourse their god is shiny, hard, and rhymes with stripper pole. [tags]Howard K. Stern, Anna Nicole Smith, Daniel Smith[/tags]

Source: www.derekhail.com

The NSFW version of the above is after the jump.

April 11th, 2005 a then-married Jessica Simpson slept with Bam Margera. Although the news was confirmed on Howard Stern on September 19th, a US online reporter probed Bam for more details.

“Once,†he said, when asked by an Us reporter how many times he and Simpson had been intimate. “It was when her parents were away and Nick was away. It’s not a secret.”

How is Simpson’s camp taking the news? “As a father, I want to go beat the crap out of people who say things like this,†Jessica’s dad/manager, Joe, tells Us. “It really hurts to hear people say things like this about my daughter.â€

Still, some of Margera’s raunchiness may have rubbed off on the 26-year-old single star. During a recent interview in Allure magazine, the former virgin bride wore a rooster pendant and joked, “I don’t have a c–k at the moment, so I wear one around my neck.â€

Wearing threads of white was once permitted for Jessica Simpson, but now she should be wearing a pearl necklace. Not the ones from the sea, but from semen.

Source: agentbedhead.com

One more bit of Euro-bashing, and I promise to move on to something more important, like Matthew McConaughey’s ongoing transition into the world’s most totally carved hobo. Today, an Austrian Airlines flight made an unscheduled stop and evacuated the passengers so workers could find and trap an escaped hamster before it could wreak who knows what kind of havoc among the passengers and crew.

Ironically, if they’d just had a few snakes on board this problem would have been taken care of in a snap (so to speak). Although I believe EU regulations require all European snakes to eat a vegan diet. And no genetically modified fruits or vegetables, either.

Source: www.drunkenstepfather.com

This shit is better than a Real Doll, I wonder how many fuckholes he comes with…

Source: www.drunkenstepfather.com

I have lied to you, just like Pam Anderson has lied to us all these years. It turns out this bitch is a post-op tranny who you all jerked off to pre-op, meaning you’re gay. At least she looks it. Speaking of gay, I went out with a couple of my house music loving friends, who aren’t gay but could be confused for a fag couple because of all the arguing they do about nothing. They dragged me out to the local afterhours bar for a beer, where I ended up surrounded by the weirdest people in the weirdest outfits dancing a fool in the weirdest way. I was convinced that using the urinal would give me HIV, considering 90% of the crowd was faggot and the other 10% was prostitutes, strippers and the kids who had no friends in highschool and who are over-compensating for it now by doing mass amounts of drugs and fucking both girls and boys, because let’s face it, they feel part of something big…We left at midnight, before Carl Cox saved all their lives and that’s my story for now. None of it was funny, all of it was true. Now point of all this is to say, post op tranny with hep or not, I’d still stuff this bitch like a turkey…

Source: www.drunkenstepfather.com

Lookin’ Good Sweetheart…I’d love you to take me on a ride…