Source: agentbedhead.com

Good gawd, I would sure hate to be this guy walking into work this morning:

Unbelievably, this prosecutorial lawyer clutched a chalkboard during closing arguments and proceeded with his rendition of quasi-medieval torture and unwitting death at the hands of a dominatrix. With no body, no blood, and apparently no evidence to work with, the prosecutor sought to convince jurors by his performance of what he thought happened to the victim.

“Thank you for your demonstration,” The judge was unimpressed, as was the jury. The dominatrix was acquitted of all charges.

The prosecutor immediately went home to rewatch the S&M episode of CSI: Season Two.

Source: agentbedhead.com

Otherwise known as the “Hunk Who Flunked”:

Besides being strikingly handsome, JFK Jr. was also fabulously wealthy. This would account for the reason that I envy him - he had the disposable income to fail the bar exam not once but twice without worrying if he’d have to sell his fine body to sustain food, clothing, and shelter.

It goes without saying that I don’t envy the fact that he’s…uh…dead.

Source: www.drunkenstepfather.com

Some guys like women who look like women, other guys like women with a bit of manliness to them. I am not implying that the guys who like butch’s are fags, I think hangin with a little dainty girl is cute, but I can also see how it gets fucking annoying. So I guess chillin with a bitch who is built like a bus, who likes to wrestle, who’s got a clit the size of a grown man’s thumb and who has a little hair on her chest isn’t the end of the world. After seeing these pics of Ryan Starr at the lingerie bowl, an American idol candidate, I realize that there is a third kind of man, and that is the kind who likes women who look like women from the neck down, and by women from the neck down, I mean a tranny from Brazil, those fuckers always throw me off, but walk like gorillas and have busted up faces. I guess Ryan Starr is to women, what American Idol is to the music industry. It’s 5 am, time to sleep. If there are typos, remember this is the drunkenstepfather, even with the new look.

Source: www.drunkenstepfather.com

Remember Lisa Loeb, I do. It was the mid-’90s and I was doing what I always did, rockin’ out to Nirvana and other grunge bands, until a cute little girl in glasses enters the scene with her guitar. She changed all of our lives, we went from fucking bitches with tattoos to ones with glasses overnight, at least I did, and it wasn’t by choice, my girlfriend got knocked up, with what I thought was my baby, until he came out retarded. I told the bitch there was no way I can create a retard baby and showed her and her butterfly tattooed ass the door. I guess the whole point of the story is that only sluts wore thongs in the mid -’90s, I bet money Lisa was granny panty all the way, cuz that’s just the image she portrayed, a wholesome girl who was a minx int he bedroom. Either way, she’s in a thong now, so let all your childhood memories, expell all over your belly (if you get off on shitty images of a bitch in glasses, that is.) Yeah, it’s still 5 am. I need sleep. Cuddles. Oh and for the record, these are from her new reality TV show. Some Jesus-evangalist shit is on TV right now that’s the shit where they try to convert insomniacs, cuz we are too cloudy brained to make rational decisions…well I am not gonna let them.

Source: www.drunkenstepfather.com

I am planning on doing somet 1920’s themed things, I haven’t figured out what those things will be, but I watched the whole season of Carnivale, I love vintage porn/eroticism/burlesque and I like Agent Provocateur lingerie. There’s nothing funny about my fetish, other than the fact that when I was a kid I used to jerk off to pics of my grandmother and my mother in vintage style lingerie. To most, jerking off to your mom or your grandmother is wrong, but whatever dude, I am mexican, I call it limited fucking resources.

I came across this Christina Aguilera video made to look like vintage erotica, and bitch looks hot. I have no idea if this is a music video because my computer is on mute, but I have watched in 3 times. I am in love.

Watch the Video Here

Source: www.drunkenstepfather.com

I am not sure if this song is any good. I watched the video on mute. I am at the library and I don’t have headphones. If you are wondering why I am at the library, it’s because I am reading medical journals, this motherfucker is going to be a doctor one day, well maybe not, but I like looking at technical drawings of genitals. That’s not the point, the point is that this band may or may not be very good, but their video has stripper lookin’ bitches dancing around all topless and on the pole and shit. The rumor is they were casted from Myspace, which is obviously the best place to find sluts craving attention and I support am okay with giving the girls in this video because they show nipple. I also support any band who has a video with girls in their underwear/naked, because I am a pervert, so I thought I’d share it with you, since you are probably a pervert too. Enjoy.

Watch The Video Here

Source: agentbedhead.com

The world’s largest wireless phone company, Cingular, applied last week to patent emoticons. Good luck with that one - didn’t Al Gore try to patent the internet at one time?

Actually, this sounds like a great idea, and I’m gonna start filling out some patent applications this afternoon. A few possibilities are as follows:

1. Photocopies of my ass.

2. Paris Hilton’s sex tape.

3. Blogging. All of it. All your blogs are belong to us.

4. Those notes that got passed around in school: “Will you go with me? Check ‘yes,’ ‘no,’ or ‘maybe’ and please return to my B.F.F.”

5. The cute little html tag that does this when we want to tell the world to fuck off halfway say something that we actually mean and follow it up with pithy humour. Yeah, that one.

Source: agentbedhead.com

Due to the pervading influence of L.Ron Hubbard, the fabulous Katie Holmes and not-so-fabulous Tom Cruise are no longer having sex - if they ever did so anyway.

Oh, say it ain’t so:

“An insider” tells In Touch Weekly that Tom Cruise “has put the brakes on their lovemaking.” It turns out that Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard “wrote that a mother-to-be shouldn’t engage in sex because it could negatively impact the baby.”

Two things about this little development - In the first place, unless Tom Cruise has an enormous penis, I seriously doubt any impact would be taking place. Secondly, when ladies are in this delicate condition, hormones go into overdrive and the sex drive generally goes through the proverbial roof.

Oh Katie, this is just the beginnning of your celebacy. Poor thing.

Source: www.drunkenstepfather.com

This is one of my fans. She is 16 and legally I can post this cuz she’s not showing cooter. She wrote this into me.

Dear Jesus,

I wanted to write your name on my ass but I couldn’t reach. hehe.
I am going to have sex with my boyfriend next week for the first time.
I wanted you to have a picture of my untouched body, below the belt. hehe.
I am 16 and didn’t want to get you arrested (again), so I wore underwear.
I love your site. Hope you love this picture.

Jenny

Thanks Jenny we love you too, you are probably worth getting arrested for, especially with a tight body like that. If I wasn’t impotent, I would have volunteered to be your number 1. I am in Canada and 14 is legal. Good luck with your boyfriend and his useless 16 year old dick. It may be horrible at first, but you have lots of pooning ahead of you. Remember you can’t get pregnant your first time so don’t use a condom and be sure to let him come up in you.

Keep them pictures coming,

With Love, Cuddles,

Jesus Martinez
DrunkenStepfather.com

Source: www.drunkenstepfather.com

I go to some trendy club and find a local actress doing some lesbian dance routine with an Asian bitch who is obviously fucked out of her mind. I predict cocaine. The local actresses name is in IMDB, I will let you figure it out. I know who she is cuz I have seen her around, never actually spoke to her before.

I meet guy with fur hat and guy with white t-shirt at the bar, I have seen these guys around too and decide to introduce myself. They are going to be my Pheromone test subjects for the day, they don’t know it yet. They are down with the challenge despite never hearing about my website before. I guess not everyone is as cool as you are, you fucking loser.

White shirt guy goes in first, sits next to her introduces himself, she starts rubbin herself, he joins in. She ends up licking his neck. She has no idea he is wearing Pheromone spray. Either she’s just horny and drunk or the shit kinda works.

Fur Hat guy moves in and starts dancing with her about 45 minutes later,he licks her neck and ends up kissing her. I don’t know who went home with who or how the night ended, I offered to pay $5 for the right to post her pictures on the site and then the owner of the club, some homo named BILL, accused me of sneaking into the bar, because I am a fat unshaven poor looking motherfucker who I guess BILL doesn’t think deserves to spend their money in his shitty bar, so I get asked to leave. According to his staff he like young hot boys, something Jesus Martinez isn’t. Anyway - the war on BILL isn’t over because I hate fascist cocksuckers who are anti-fat guys, being superficial is no way to fuck with DrunkenStpefhater.com. The Pheromone Challenge isn’t over either. Motherfuckers.

Join the fun by buying your Pherlure Spray Here

But first research to make sure which is Best for You Here

and read previous Pheromone Challenges Here

Source: agentbedhead.com

Four jobs I’ve had:
Pizza Delivery Girl
Book Buyer
Technical Writer
MILF

Four movies I can watch over and over:
Pulp Fiction
Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Sixteen Candles
Bridget Jones’s Diary

Four places I’ve liked:
New York City
Vegas, Baby. Vegas.
Washington, DC
Hmm. I need to take more vacations.

Four places I’ve vacationed:
WTF? See above, lest I become redundant without a purpose.

Four TV shows I love:
Late Nite With David Letterman
Southpark
Arrested Development
E! True Hollywood Story

Four of my favorite dishes:
Grilled cheese sandwich, made with provalone, cheddar, swiss, and pesto.
Enchiladas, rice, guacamole, and margarita.
Mostacholi with marinara, crusty bread with garlic butter, greek salad.
Carrot cake.

Four places I would rather be right now:
At a restaurant - after that last category, I need it.
In bed, awake or asleep.
On a yoga mat.
Ahead in time to March.

Four sites I visit daily:
Oh hell. This is a trouble topic, for I visit at least one-hundred sites daily, and surely I’ll offend some delicate egos if I answer this one. See “Double Agents” blogroll for my daily must surfs, and I’ll give a gratuitous extra shoutout to the fabulous Miss Silk.

Four victims I am tagging:
Homey don’t play that game. Tag yourselves, assholes.

Source: agentbedhead.com

Dear Jennifer Love,

I hear that in an attempt to shed your “good girl” image, you are considering a pictorial spread in the men’s magazine, Playboy. Since I’m always willing to stoke the fire a bit, I thought you could possibly benefit from a synopsis of past experiences of other female celebrities who posed for the magazine.

Cordially,
Agent Bedhead

Shannen Doherty: March 1994 and December 2003
Shannen first posed nude after leaving her run on Beverly Hills 90210. She enjoyed a few years on the UPN series, Charmed, before being booted from the set. Since then, she’s been only been employed by several failed nighttime soaps and sitcoms. Even worse, her ex-fiance probably made more money by releasing his Paris Hilton sex tape.

Belinda Carlisle: August 2001
Carlisle, whose solo career only saw moderate spikes of success after the GoGo’s broke up in 1985, posed for Playboy at the age of forty-two years. It is speculated that the explicit spread was a promotional ploy for the reformed Go-Go’s comeback album, which ultimately was a commercial disaster. In 2004, she was the first celebrity chef to bite the dust on the British reality show, Hell’s Kitchen.

Michael Latoya Jackson: March 1989
The so-called “black sheep” of the Jackson family, who claims abuse at the hands of her parents, her former manager, and your mama, Latoya has never released a major commercial music hit single or album. Her career highlights include being the object of continuous jokes by late-night talk show hosts.

Drew Barrymore: January 1995
After detoxing at age twelve, Barrymore somehow managed a career comeback after starring in Poison Ivy, flashing her boobs at Dave Letterman and posing nude for Playboy. Since then, her career has sustained highly bankable levels as an actress and producer, but her boobs have unfortunately fallen dramatically.

Debbie Gibson: March 2005
Former pop princess of the 1980’s faced record company woes while trying her hand at a variety of musical formats, including punk rock (?), before forming her own record label to release her music. In an attempt to shed her wholesome aura, she posed for the men’s magazine in conjunction with the release of her single, “Naked.” Neither the nude pictorial nor the title of the song generated interest.

Geri Halliwell: May 1998
After leaving the Spice Girls, whom Geri claimed were always “jealous” of the media attentions she received, Halliwell’s solo album debuted at the forty-second slot in the Billboard 200 before she fell out of the chart within a few weeks. Recently spotted having dinner with Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham, but otherwise, who knows?

Nancy Sinatra: May 1995
At the age of fifty-four, Nancy released a new CD at the time of her Playboy appearance. Nancy’s father was furious at the explicit nature of the pictorial. Despite surviving Sammy Davis Jr., reported rumours of involvement with the mob, and prolonged FBI surveillance, Frank Sinatra showed signs of heart failure only after his daughter posed nude in Playboy.